Loss Porn

Ok guys, I have fallen off the blogging wagon and have probably lost most of my readers and for that, I apologize. I’ve found a new hobby/addiction and it is NOT good for my soul.

A year ago, I began investing in Robinhood. Just a whopping $2 a week. No harm, right? Well, I did really, really good. Like over 100% return good.

‘I’m a God damn natural,’ I thought to myself.

Folks, I’m not a God damn natural. About a month ago, I thought that if I was doing so well, why not allocate some of my savings to the stock market? I increased weekly contributions from $2 to about $35. So over the past 2 weeks, I think I’ve lost like $120. Now, while that doesn’t seem like a lot to most, it’s a lot to me and I’m super pissed. Based on this, I’d like to think of myself as, not necessarily the Wolf of Wall Street but more like the Rabbit of Wall Street.

I’ve been stalking Wall Street Bets on Reddit and have really enjoyed reading peoples’ posts. What cracks me up is the “loss porn”. What’s loss porn? It’s basically screenshots of people losing obscene amounts of money in the stock market. Like, thousands upon thousands of dollars, and not my pathetic $100.

My Loss Porn

Though my loss porn is only like $100, allow me to demonstrate how awful my loss porn is to me. My loss porn is so bad, it’s like if you found a VCR tape of your parents doing it but not as young people but as old people, complete with black socks and a support bra.

My loss porn is so bad that it would be like your father cheating on your mother with a hooker that had cold sores all over her mouth.

I am down so much that if you were to describe it in a real-world situation, it would be like some sort of fat fuck getting blown by crack horror behind the Dollar General.

Stocks

I’ve been AWOL from blogging because I’ve been teaching myself everything I can about stocks over the past two weeks. I’ve watched video after video, researched stocks and set up an excel spreadsheet to identify companies that would be a good play. I’m not fucking around. My grandpa made a fortune with the stock market and there’s no reason I can’t, especially given the available research online. Fuck being poor, I’m done, I’m out, and I’m gonna make some dough.

Weed Stocks

I’ve never smoked weed in my life. As my faithful readers know, I’ll stick to vino as my vice. I’m not stupid, cannabis is what alcohol was 100 years ago. We are on the cusp of legalization and I intend to make a shit ton of money off it. If one were to look at my Charles Schwab account, one would deduce that I’m a complete stoner. All 5 companies that I own stocks through are weed companies. I even bought 200 weed shares of a stock trading at .005. Sure, they’re probably selling CBD oil at a kiosk, located in a suburban Phoenix mall but hey, I’m only out like $1 if it tanks. No but seriously, that cheapy stock just made some sort of agreement with Amazon, so who knows.

Stocks

Look, if you’ve thought about trading stocks, DO IT! But first, read books, watch videos, teach yourself. You can make a shit ton of money if you’re willing to research. Oh, and if you’re psychic. Just the most important rule though is DON’T USE MONEY YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO LOSE!

Sincerely,

The Rabbit of Wall Street