Jerks of the Grocery Store

Though my title is negative I’m going to start on a positive note, sandwich the negative in the middle then end on a positive note. I ran into my friend N at Kroger. For all my Canadian and English friends, Kroger is a grocery chain. Though we were in the cereal aisle, I insisted on taking a picture of her only provisions for this blog post. Yes friends, it’s wine, wine and margarita. She came in only coffee. I’m so proud I’m wiping a tear away right now.

Here’s the thing, there are real ass holes at the grocery store. This is the reason I think everyone in the world should do a year in retail and a year as a server. I’ve done both and it molded me in how I treat folks in the service industry.

So below is a list of grocery store jerks. I’ll start with the one that was in front of me 45 minutes ago.

Jerk 1-The Customer Determined To Save a Nickel

“How much is that?” A hayseed, old woman with long grey hair asked, in her pack a day for 30 years, voice. I could tell the teen girl scanning her groceries died a little inside with this question.

“$6.99, ma’am,” she responded. 5 seconds later, Hagatha leaves check out, oblivious to my defrosting, $200 purchase on the conveyor belt, to prove she was being over-charged. The teen girl followed behind her. After 2 minutes they returned, she checked out and left.

“How much was she contesting?” I asked. “A nickel?”

“50 cents.” The girl responded annoyed.

“Jesus, I would have given her the stupid 50 cents.”

“That’s nothing,” the girl said leaning over in a hushed tone. “I had a lady call my manager today and complain because I made her bags too heavy. All that was in the bag were tortillas and 2 cans.”

Jerk 2-The Zero Fucks Person At the Deli Counter

Funny thing, I encountered this jerk tonight too. Because there are 2 kinds of deli jerks, I’ve broken them down for simplicity sake.

Deli Jerk 1

In lieu of maybe calling in a large deli order, or going at a less busier time, this ass hole swoops in and orders enough lunch meat and cheese to open a Subway. Pam needs a pound of honey ham but she also needs to see how thin you sliced it. She also needs 3/4 lb. of turkey, 1 pound of baby swiss, 1/4 lb of corn beef and lastly, a pound of cheddar cheese. Thanks to Pam, there are 8 people waiting for their cold cuts.

Deli Jerk 2

This is the one that was at the store tonight. She decides she needs to sample everything before buying. Listen Linda, this isn’t a fucking wine tasting. Turkey is turkey and you know what? Your palate isn’t refined enough to taste whether the roast beef was grass-fed or the turkey was raised cage-free.

Jerk 4- The Oblivious Parent

After making our way through 5 aisles, my 8-year-old and I began to hear a high pitch squeal. I cringed as it was horribly ear-piercing. Nearby dogs rocked in fetal position, surely. This continued for 10 minutes till the heathen and I came face to face in the make-up aisle. Instinct kicked in and I shot the kid a death look. Still no parent.

2 aisles over in the frozen food section, I saw what was happening. The child would scream and run and some meth head would run after him. This guy was completely oblivious on how annoying this was. I’m not saying the grocery store is a zen like place where you can sit down and meditate in the dairy aisle but this isn’t a playground either.

Jerk 5- The Slowest Person On Earth…That Stops In The Middle of the Aisle

So we’ve established that the grocery store is neither a winery nor a playground. I’d also like to add it’s not a nature path from a prescription drug commercial either. I hate grocery shopping and my goal is to get the fuck in and out. I can’t do that when you are going the speed of snail in the middle of the aisle. Additionally, don’t stop just to sort your coupon caddy.

You would think all of the above would be common sense but it’s not. I run into these stupids every week. But I said I would finish on a positive note and I will.

Once C and I got out to the parking lot, N flagged us down.

“I keep forgetting to give this to you! I saw it the other day and had to get it.”

She hands me a Snickers bar but it wasn’t just any Snickers bar.

Can you believe she found this? How perfect! This made my evening! Thank you N for finding my very own candy bar!