I know…I know….I didn’t see that coming either. But here I am, surrounded by plants I’ve kept alive, one for almost a year, a few since July and others I’ve picked up here or there. I’ve killed like 2-3 plants, but they deserved it. Oh, and I also have hydroponics!
Before I write about this, I don’t want to be labeled a plant lady. That conjures up images of an unkept, frumpy woman. When envisioning a plant lady, your mind might go to a hoarder, perhaps? Maybe someone that hoards so much shit, you wouldn’t be surprised to find a dead, beloved pet in the freezer. Maybe it’s a woman who owns 4+ cats, with names all starting with the letter “P”.
Don’t worry, I’m only at the beginning stages of the above. I have a neighbor’s black cat that visits me regularly, named after the fictional murderer, Dexter. And I only have shrimp, steak and ground beef in my freezer, for now.
Plant Lady or Cat Lady?
My attempt at adding Bambi. Also, that’s an air plant in the back. Pretty cool, right?
I couldn’t figure out if Dexter was a boy cat or girl cat. Shim meows it’s precious little meows, and wags it’s black soft tail. I’m not into pronouns but I still wanted to know if it’s a boy or girl so I was tempted to pick it up and see if there’s a furry dick in the undercarriage.
I figured I’d stop right before finishing that last sentence and Google about cats having dicks. Turns out, you can tell if it’s a boy or girl by it’s butt hole. What’s that about? A boy, I guess, resembles a colon and a girl’s bits are an upside-down exclamation point?? Please, if you’ve found this post by Googling something similar, for the sake of animal safety, do not follow ANYTHING I say here. Which leads me to my next rabbit hole. If the boys don’t have a penis, how do cats have sex?
Oh GAWD! I just Googled that too and I can’t unsee it. Ewww!
Tell Me I Can’t…Oh…I Will
One of the many reasons I’ve become a “plant enthusiast” is because someone once close to me, announced I killed everything I came into contact with. I’ll be the first person to admit that I’m stubborn and ambitious. If you tell me I can’t, I ABSOLUTELY will. Now granted, if you tell me I can’t shoot up heroin, you’re absolutely right; I won’t be doing that. If you state, “I betcha can’t rob that bank,” yup, I will not be doing anything remotely close. I’m talking about the legal stuff, except stripping, I won’t become a stripper.
My hydroponic machines
Hydroponics –> The Next Chapter of Plant Enthusiasm
So hydroponics is something I got into about 2 years ago. Essentially, you’re growing stuff in water in lieu of the dirt. That’s perfect for someone like me who loves nature, but has a severe snake phobia. I started with one hydroponic machine, then I got second…and a third. I began keeping a journal of not only the stuff I did with my hydroponics but also the plants I now had around my place.
I was such an ass hole when I got my first hydroponic machine. I went out and purchased probably 10 different seeds. I had visions of no longer buying produce at the grocery store. My hydroponic machine was going to be a game changer. Maybe we could even live off-grid, it would supply so many fruits and vegetables.
The first 6 months, I was able to produce 6 lettuce leaves to have a side, of a side salad.
Hampster Balls (aka Tomatoes)
This second go around has proven much more bountiful. Sure, my tomatoes are the size of hampster nuts, but still, legit tomatoes. I was so pleased with my harvest that when my sons’ friends came over I told them to rub the basil and smell their fingers.
“You’re growing weed?” One of his buddies asked me.
“No! It’s basil,” I said, rubbing the basil leaf and smelling my finger. ‘Oh shit,’ I thought. It did smell like weed.
“You definitely should grow weed,” he responded, very matter-of-fact.
“I’ll consider it,” I said, deadpan.
So who knows, maybe I’ll start a second blog about growing plants, but probably not. If you have questions about hydroponics or interested in getting started, comment below and I’ll help you as best I can. If you have questions about growing weed, sorry I can’t help.
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