Hot Mess Weekend

Friday Evening-Adult Meltdown

My weekend started off awesome at 5 PM on Friday when I realized I had locked my keys in my car. I was scheduled to take my youngest son to movie night at his school in 1 hour. The movie they were showing, Inside Out, didn’t start till 7 but concessions opened at 6 and I wanted to make sure we got good seats and something to eat. I live a solid 40 minutes from work and another 10 minutes from his school so obviously this put a kink in the plans.

See the keys just sitting there? Taunting me!

As soon as I saw the keys between the seats, I had a minor adult meltdown as I slammed my open hand on the window and screamed “damn it”! I was almost in tears because my son was really looking forward to this event and I didn’t want him to miss it.

Sulking, I walked back into work, slammed my purse on my desk, got out my AAA card and called them.

“Ma’am, I have your account pulled up but it shows here that you didn’t renew your membership last month.”

More great news.

” How much is it going to cost to renew?”

“If you want just the basic membership like last time, it’ll be $66. If you want to be able to use it instantly that will be an additional $20.”

I was in a hurry and in no mood to negotiate so I just accepted the charges like a little bitch and gave her my card number. I already spent $500 on my car at Tire discounters this week so hell, what’s another $88 at this point.

Friday Night-My Own Private Hell

One hour later I’m in my car speeding East. C and I arrived at the school 20 minutes before the movie was to start. As I came upon the gym entrance I took a deep intake of breath at what was before me.

On just about every surface was a blanket, pillows and hundreds of children, all under the age of 8, jumping up and down, running, laughing and screaming bloody murder. Surely this will be gym time in Hell.

After realizing my mouth was wide open in disbelief, I shut it promptly and continued to walk the 8″ path made for egress. To my right was my friend who taught here. Completely forgetting all filters, I asked the following question in my most serious tone.

“How do you teach everyday?”

“What?” She asked. She obviously couldn’t hear over the Chucky Cheese like atmosphere.

“How do you teach these kids everyday? I would slit my wrists.” I said looking around like I had just been involved in an accident.

“I mean….what the hell?” Was my classy finish.

She just gave me the same grin I seem to get quiet often these days that read, ‘I’m polite so I am going to smile because I don’t have an answer for her.’

C and I laid our blankets down in a 2′ x 2′ empty spot behind a grandmother and her daughter. If we laid our heads down in the aisle I spoke of earlier, we may be actually able to lay down and not sit up the entire time.

We made our way to the hallway for concessions. The line extended way farther than it should have. After a solid 5 minutes of waiting and a substantial number of people behind us, C decided it was the right time to announce he had pee and he had to PEE NOW. I was screaming inside. I know we were at his school but I did not feel comfortable letting him walk to the restroom alone. Some of these parents looked like they had just crawled out from under a bridge and I was not about to trust them.

After his 3 minute potty break I was pleased to find the line had moved not at all. I was now behind 3 middle school girls. One of the girls was channeling her inner obnoxiousness by not standing still for a millisecond, loosely holding a can of coke and on occasion, tilting it while she talked just around my $450 boots (I can’t afford $450 boots, huge discount).

“I tell my mama to shut up all the time!” She proudly yelled over another girl in the group, clearly trying to get some sort of WT street cred.  I officially did not like her.

‘This little brat is going to spill her coke on my shoes and there is no way in hell her parents are going to replace them. I’ll probably be beat up in the process of demanding this, by her.’ Thank God it never came to that.

In the middle of nowhere, one of the smaller girls in the group that was eclipsed by coke girl looked at me and said, “I like your sweater.”

“Thank you,” I responded and continued to type on my phone.

Coke girl then took her free hand and placed it on my shoulder.

“I just want to touch your sweater.” She said smiling.

“Why did you do that? What did you put on my sweater?”I said quickly checking for stains or a kick me sign.

Giggling she said, “no reason.”

The little girl piped up again, “she wanted to give you the cheese touch.” The cheese touch is basically the modern day cooties.

“Well as long as that is all she gave me, I’m good.”

“Can I have a hug?” Coke girl asked.

“No, I would prefer not,” I responded.

One last train wreck I want to call out that happened when we were leaving the school. As we walked into the hallway, a mom and a tiny little boy were standing outside the gym, probably waiting for someone.

“Hi C,” the little boy said to my son.

“Hi,” my son responded.

Just as I was finished folding up the blankets into a more manageable load I looked down at the boy. Not only did he have 1 ear pierced, he had both pierced with 2 large faux diamonds! Not only was I amazed but I was disgusted on so many levels.

“Does that little boy go to your school C?” I asked after being out of earshot of him and his poor excuse of a mother.

“Yes, he’s in kindergarten.”

“And those are real pierced ears?” I asked.

“Yep!” C responded shaking his head. You could tell he was proud that he found something that shocked me.

“Unbelievable.” I said under my breath.

Saturday- At Some Point My Car Drove Over an Ancient Burial Ground

To round out the 2 trips very expensive trips to Tire Discounters this past week, irony thought he would have more fun with me and my car.

Saturday morning I had a Doctor’s appointment. It was only 15 minutes away so I left exactly 15 minutes before the scheduled time. I got in as I normally do, clicked my seat belt and checked my rear view mirror. Just as I was looking into it, I saw a mouse scurry up the backseat and into the seat belt hole.

I LOST MY SHIT!

I unbuckled my seat belt, jumped out and went  screaming into my house.

“You just can’t calm a woman down,” my oldest declared after I told him and my husband what had happened. This was some sort of joke going around with him and his friends. He decided to try it out on the situation.

I gave him “the parent look” coupled with the evil eye.

“Do you feel that is an appropriate comment to make given the situation? I will ground you for a month if you say something like that again. Try me.”

He quickly excused himself.

Fortunately when my husband got a broom out to feel around for the mouse, the mouse quickly vacated by jumping out and hopping across our yard.

‘Great!’ I thought. Now that little ass hole is going to give snakes a reason to come to my house-food!

So that was my weekend friends. Today was a combined total of 4 hours of soccer, grocery shopping, washing of a soccer backpack that P got even dirtier just hours after hand washing it, 3 loads of laundry, and many other exciting chores.

I know, I know. I live the life of a kept woman.

How was your weekend? Did you have a mouse in your car too?