Hot Mess and the Butter Feud

About once a month, I order Panera Bread into the office. It’s expensive but it saves me from having to go out on busy days. I order the exact same thing, online every time:

• 1/2 Frontega Panini
• 1/2 Apple Fuji Salad
• Baguette

In the overall comments, I make the following note: PLS INCLUDE BUTTER. In the comments that are specific to just my meal, I add PLS INCLUDE BUTTER.

And do you know what happens? Those ass holes forget my butter EVERY SINGLE TIME. But it gets better. On the receipt where they’ve checked off everything they’ve placed in the bag, they always check the butter!

But Hot Mess, it’s just a condiment. Why are you so uptight about it?

I’ll tell you why. First, I pay $16 f’ing dollars for this meal. Second, they mark on the receipt that it’s in the bag when it clearly isn’t. Third, they forget it 90% of the time (and I’ve been ordering from them for over a year now) and fourth, despite complaining, nothing is ever fixed.

Last month when I ordered, again they forgot the butter. The first 10 times I let it go. That time, I asked that he go get the butter for me. He said he would, left and simply never came back. I called and they ran over about 20 butters and a “sorry”.

Today, I began fuming at 12:25 when my order hadn’t arrived yet and the arrival window was between 12:08 and 12:18. They have where you can track your order by following a little green bag on a map. As I worked on one computer monitor, I watched the little green blimp on my other one. I was already hangry then to see the little green bag drift farther and farther from my office made me want to scream. The irony is that this Panera Bread is only about 2 miles from my office. The delivery guy decided to deliver to the North Pole and then Canada before bringing me my order.

When he walked into the lobby I met him there, arms folded. I poorly hid my frustration. He handed me the bag and I said,

“Wait, I want to see if there’s butter.” I pulled out the sandwich then set the baguette on top of it. When I couldn’t easily pull the salad out, I stuck my hand in and fished around the perimeter of the salad container. NO FUCKING BUTTER. I looked at the receipt. Sure as shit, butter ticked off as having been included. This has been my delivery guy before. In fact, he was the delivery guy last time that had to bring me my butter after the fact. I lost my shit.

“I know this isn’t your fault and this isn’t directed to you but this happens every single time,” I said slapping my right hand with the back of my left hand. “I ask for butter, it’s marked as included and never is! You’re gonna have to go back and get my butter. What’s the manager’s name?”

My Last Straw

Look, I am an extremely patient person. In fact, some people tell me I let too much slide. When I complain at a restaurant, it’s done diplomatically and I’m not an ass hole about it. Do you guys see why I lost my shit? This is the millionth time! It’s so bad guys that it’s an office joke. Before Panera arrives, we place bets on if they’ll remember the butter. My co-workers have gotten smart and always bet that I won’t be seeing it.

I called Panera. Fuck the fact that it was 12:45 and prime lunchtime. Had they remembered the butter, oh I don’t know, the first 10 times, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I was placed on hold, making my blood boil even more. At this point, I stowed away to an empty conference room because I didn’t want my co-workers to see me in this state. After a four-minute hold, a very annoyed manager got on the phone.

“I want my lunch refunded. You guys forget my butter every single time. Last time you guys forgot it and promised to bring it back and the dude never came back! And what I don’t understand is that you tick off that you have the butter in the bag!”

Curtly, the manager agreed to give me my money back. Satisfied, I walked over to my desk and sat down. I pulled out the baguette and divided it into 4 pieces. I then pulled out 3 butters from the bag of butter Panera brought to me last time they screwed up, from my mini-fridge. I layed them next to the slices of bread. I slathered the 4 slices of bread with butter and proceeded to eat them slowly. 45 minutes later, my new bag of butter arrived.

And that my friends is how you do a complete post about butter. LOL!