Free Wieners

As you know I’m on a diet but I absolutely love to eat.

You should eat to live not live to eat!

Pulleezee……..I live to eat not eat to live. Anyone that eats to live is either anorexic or in a 3rd world country. Why do you think we have such a weight problem? It’s because eating is enjoyable. But the problem is that I love to eat all the stuff I shouldn’t. Mashed potatoes, steak, burgers, fries…do you see a common theme here? 

So when it was announced Tuesday that at work we would be testing a new hot dog and would be served hot dogs on Wednesday; a giddy little school girl inside me began to skip around joyfully, throwing rose petals in the air. 

‘Fuck Diet tomorrow,’ I thought. ‘Diet doesn’t need to know about the hot dog testing. I’m doing this for my job. What am I supposed to do? Be insubordinate?’

So when Wednesday rolled around, the pain of hunger began to roar in my stomach as it does every morning before lunch. 

Don’t worry stomach, it won’t be much longer. I duct taped Diet’s mouth and locked her in a closet.

At 11:30 I began to get worried. The chef hadn’t started yet. Cooly, I rolled by his desk and asked, 

“Are we still doing hot dogs today?”

“Yep! I’d say at noon or just after,” he responded. 

Relieved, I went back to my desk. When 12:10 rolled around, I mall-walked into the break room for my dog. Now normally I’m not a big fan of hot dogs given all the stories of the meat there made out of. Pig ears? Dog ass? I don’t know. But like the soccer players who were stranded in the Andes and eat their teammates to survive, I was ready for my dog ass. 

Oh God, he’s deep-frying french fries!

Yes, he was deep-frying french fries! Suddenly Temptation and I were giggling together, like 2 teens that just got away with playing hookey. French fries! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had French fries? A month! Since the fries weren’t ready yet, I dutifully grabbed a bun and one of those blessed little wieners. I applied some mustard and returned to my desk.  

Now guys, to say I ate the hot dog doesn’t do it justice. It was like those National Geographic series where it shows a cheetah bringing down an innocent zebra and mauling it to death. I ate the hot dog in 3 bites. Yes, 3 bites. And it’s important to mention those bites only took approximately 60 seconds. I was still hungry. 

As I walked back to the break room, I began to ponder how many points all of this probably was. Too damn many but ain’t nobody got time for those negative thoughts as the French fries were almost done! Despite giving what I thought was the appropriate amount of time to deep fry fries (I’ve never fried fries in my life), I questioned why the chef was at a table on his laptop. I needed to calm the fuck down. You’d think I hadn’t eaten in 5 days. In an effort to kill time, I decided to have another hot dog. Finally the glorious French fries were done! Rejoice. 

I really don’t have an ending to this. It’s just a reminder that falling off the wagon happens. Sometimes I’d say it even needs to happen. I’ve seen it a million times with the people who go hard-core weight loss, depriving themselves of every single pleasure, only to say fuck it, binge eat and gain it all back. 

Always allow yourself to fall off! Just get right back on!