I don’t understand how the English language became so fucked up in the work place. In my early twenties I marveled on how well-spoken these high power Executives were.
‘I wish I could talk like that’ was a frequent thought I kept to myself.
As the years went on, I continued to hear more and more phrases and it only became worse. Occasionally, I would be at a conference table and I would hear “put a lasso around that.”
Come again? I didn’t copy. What does that even mean? Are we at a rodeo? Put a lasso around what, your neck for saying what you just said?
Phrases began to spiral out of control. Executives from entry level to the CEO were strewing nonsensical phrases together then looking at their direct reports expecting complete adoration. Phrases began to manifest in daily communication such as job descriptions and employee reviews. To this day, if my husband or I let a phrase slip we are given carte blanche to make fun of the other person until it’s out of our system.
I’m breaking up my blog posts into a few posts over the next few days and this is the topic I want to talk about first as it is the most soul sucking. I’m sure many people use these phrases and don’t even realize it. If you do and regret it, there is hope. Like Pax Prentiss of Passages Rehab, “I too was once addicted to these phrases, but now I’m not.”
If you are new to corporate I have developed an easy to use chart for translation. I compiled over 100 phrases after talking with friends and family. Below is about 30. If you read these, promise me you won’t use them. Ok?
In the next post I will have another chart for you covering corporate terminology such as Teamwork, Communication and how shit is organized. So what have you heard? I want to hear that have made you do a double take. I have 70 more to go and I hope to add new, douchier ones with you help!
Oh thank god. I work in a corporate office and am so not corporatey. I will be semi-patiently waiting for your next post.
Yes I will be finishing it up tonight. I’m so glad you appreciated the post! Bout’ to lose my shit with my boss today so hopefully I will not be adding the phrase “I quit this bitch” to my spreadsheet.
Oh my gracious this was amazing! I found you through The Shameful Sheep and barely made it halfway through this post before having to click Follow! I could not agree more with everything you wrote here. The “let’s circle back” and “let’s take this offline” ones drive me nuts. I’ve got another to add to your list. One of my coworkers, in his meeting invitations, literally puts “I ask that you please appoint a delegate if your attendance is unlikely.” In other words, “We both know some of y’all are too important for this meeting, but my boss made me invite you anyway, so send one of your lackeys, k?”
Oh my God that is a breathtaking, horrible business phrase and I love it! I have never heard that one before. I literally had to read it twice. What is this the U.N? Send a delegate. Wait, you don’t work for the U.N. right? May I add this one to my post tonight? I have roughly 70 more phrases to share.
Bahaha no I don’t work for the UN, but to be honest with the fancy pants BS corporate language everyone in my company uses, you’d think it was the UN! And yes, add away! 🙂
These are so cringeworthy!
I’m not sure I could say them with a straight face.
One that makes me roll my eyes in pain in my office is ‘Do you have the bandwidth’ e.g. Take on more work. No I don’t I not a bloody computer!!