I feel well-versed enough on the subject of ass hole drivers that I will write about them. I spend approximately 1 hour, 45 minutes a day in my car, commuting to and from work. I eat breakfast in my car, put makeup on and hell, sometimes I even blog in my car (via the microphone). All of this is only done when at a standstill as I don’t want to die while applying mascara.
Some people drive as if their main goal that day is to die. I don’t understand it. Who do they think they are? God? Like the seas are going to part and…oh wait…that was Moses, right? Well even then, you get what I’m trying to say here; they drive like maniacs. I’m bordering on a thin line of crazy here and my car has over 250,000 miles on it. One day I’m going to want my Corolla to meet her maker and they are going to be the grim reaper to help me do it. You feel me?
So below are the ass hole drivers I’ve encountered. I am in awe of their…what is it? Stupidity? Oblivion? Arrogance? A combination of several? I don’t know.
The Lane Master
This person glides like a swan,gracefully over to the middle lane then back. If they are in the middle lane of 3, they glide occasionally to the left and occasionally to the right. They are either texting, chatting with a passenger, can’t see over the steering wheel or oblivious to staying between two clearly marked lines on the highway.
The Ass Rider
I don’t know if this person is packing more testosterone than the norm but they need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Unless you have a pregnant woman in the passenger side about to give birth, DO NOT ride my ass! Nothing drives me more insane than this person. If I’m in the passing lane, I will get over but I can’t get over if a 53′ truck is next to me. It’s usually a knuckle-dragger in a black pick up truck that is 3 stories high or a teenager in some piece of shit car.
The Passer
I’m not talking the responsible passer who turns on their turn signal and carefully passes in front of you. I’m talking the dick that practically takes off your bumper because they saw an opening in front of you the size of a smart car to pass their Hummer through. This has left me gasping in disbelief an accident didn’t occur.
The Honker
This occurs occasionally via a truck driver from behind. He’ll honk once.
‘I’m not psychic. I do not know why you are honking at me. The tone and rate of your honk is not familiar to the non-trucking lifestyle.’
When this happens I think of that urban legend where a woman is driving in a car and she thinks a trucker is following her, flashing his lights but in reality she had a killer in her backseat and every time he was about to strike, the trucker flashed his lights on him to stop.
I always look in my backseat when I hear a honk.
The Weaseler
If I waited in this stupid line to get on the next highway, your ass is waiting too. I wait in about a 1/2 mile long line to get on I-70 everyday. During this 1/2 mile, one lane is to merge into the main lane, feeding into I-70. Ass holes race up to the very last part of this ending lane and demand to merge into the main artery.
Not today Satan.
I then become the crazy ass hole that allows approximately 2″ from the bumper of the car in front of me ensuring that if this guy is coming into my lane, it won’t be in front of me and it won’t be on my watch. I don’t know if they think I look nice or something but all be damn if they are cutting in front of me. I’ve worked too damn hard to be up here and you aren’t getting in front ass hole.
Oh My God, I’m An Ass Hole Driver
Oh my God, reading that last paragraph I’ve realized I’ve become an ass hole driver. But in my defense, I think it’s only during the lane weaseler’s attempt to get in front of me. Yes, this is how I will justify this.
The Weaseler is THE ACTUAL WORST. Nothing makes me angrier than someone trying to sneak in, right at the cones. I usually shout from my spot (1/2 and inch behind the car in front of me), “NOT TODAY, ASSHOLE!”
Ha! Love it!!! I know. I don’t care if I’m running them off a cliff, if you are going to be that dick headed enough to “ditch” you deserve to wait! No patience for these people. No patience!
Calm down, I do the same thing: when I see someone fly past a long line of properly merged vehicles to try and weasel his way into the front of the line, I grit my teeth and concentrate on sending out psychic signals to the other drivers that we will not let this asshole in until he’s further back than he would have been if he’d merged properly. then I make sure that he’s not getting in front of me unless he’s developed a shrink ray for his car.
But I do put on lipstick while moving, if conditions are optimal. If not, I wait for a light. The only other thing I’ll even attempt as a driver is blush, and even there only a cream or liquid – powders are too fussy for the car.
Yes and don’t you get sooo pissed at people who let the weasel in? I mean, are you kidding me? That is on par with being a door mat!
These are the people raising bratty kids, because they just give in to bad behavior.
Our distracted driving laws in Winnipeg are fairly stringent, and even drinking from a travel mug can get you a ticket depending on the officer, so I typically start my audiobook or podcast playing and then head on the road. Winnipeg drivers are total assholes. You will speed up and slow down by about 10-15km and they will match your speed simply to not let you change lanes. I don’t understand why everyone has to be a dick when they drive… I do try to put out good driving karma but it doesn’t seem to come back…
Yes, I know what you mean. If someone puts on their turn signal, I kindly allow them to get in front of me (driving karma); contingent upon them NOT being a weasel!
I too am the type of driver who won’t let the weasel in. I will give enough space for people to “zipper” in like they are suppose to, but if you are dumb enough not to take the opening that I have offered, and then keep driving to the front of the line, when I reach the front I will not let you in.
YES! YES! YES! That is exactly my thought process. “Oh, that space wasn’t good enough? Sorry Charlie, you can weazel but it won’t be in front of me!” Grrrhhhh! They make me so mad! I mean, who do they think they are?
Haha exactly!! I take the first opening offered cos i just want to merge and then be done with it. These ppl driving all the way to the front are so frustrating!!
They really are!
I love this post. I spend about 4 hours a day in my car and I feel your pain. The ass rider always seems to be the guy in the giant pick up truck. Can you say justifiable homicide? Like you pointed out at the end, we all do the same stupid stuff we hate when others do it but of course they don’t have a good reason for doing it like we do.
Exactly! Our reasoning is justified and free of malice. I just want to step over the edge of crazy and slam on my breaks so they go running into me. God….just once!!!!
I don’t fantasize about having them run into me. I fantasize about having a giant laser or something like that mounted on the back of my car so that I could make them explode
That’s wonderfully perfect!!!
I used to deal with the Weaselers on a daily basis when I was in northern VA, but now, my commute is literally .7 miles one direction.
To add to your list, another driver that I despise is the one that rides your ass in the passing lane, then gets in front of you once you’ve changed lanes and slows down. That infuriates me!!
I had heard the story of the truck driver flashing his lights to warn the woman about the man in her back seat. I always look in the back seat before I get in the car. Especially at night.
OMG! Me too! Anyone that flashes their lights, Im like, “Im not psychic!”
there is nothing worse than people who wait until the last second to merge. I will run us both off the road before I let those bastards in
LOL!!!Right! I’m like “Not today Satan!” as I leave just an inch between me and the driver in front of me.