16 Corporate Terms We Hate

My second month into blogging I did a 3 part series on corporate terms your tired of hearing of. Perhaps because I had 10  readers tops, it didn’t get much traffic and that’s a damn shame given how often I bet many of you have heard these. Perhaps your guilty of these yourself! The original post had all of the below in a tiny, little graph, you had to squint to see. Well the words are bustin’ out of the graph! Ladies and gents, I present to you the corporate terms and their translations….

BLOWING YOU OFF (usually in meetings)

Corporate Term

• Circle back around with me.

Translation

• I would like to put your idea off because it’s stupid and I haven’t thought of a kind way to tell you.

Corporate Term

• Let’s table that.
• We’ll take this offline.
• Let’s put that in the parking lot.

Translation

• I don’t want to talk about that right now.

Corporate Term

• We are going to put that in our back pocket.

Translation

• I don’t want to tak about that right now because it’s dumb.

WAYS TO BE FIRED

Corporate Term

• Your position is being eliminated.
• We’re letting you go.
• You’re being terminated.
• We are going a different direction (this is my fav doosh term).
• We are transitioning you.

Translation

• You are fired and fucked.

Corporate Term

• You’re being laid off.
• Downsizing

Translation

• You are being fired but we like you as a person so we will give you some money (i.e. severance) so we don’t feel so guilty about it.

Corporate Term

• Shadowing (to have someone observe and learn your job)

Translation

• Hello! Meet your replacement!

Corporate Term

• Verbal Warning

Translation

• A way to cleanse your palate before the appetizer of a written warning and the main course of fired, are served.

Corporate Term

• 2 week notice

Translation

• The point in time you say fuck it to every job responsibility for the next 2 weeks while dreaming about your next corporate mistake.

Corporate Term

• Streamlining the organization

Translation

• People will be laid off while their work is now dumped on someone who gets to keep their job, do your old job and make an additional nickel an hour.

Review Time

Corporate Term

• Areas of opportunity
• Challenges

Translation

• What you suck at.

Corporate Term

• Constructive criticism

Translation

• A perfectly wrapped insult.

Corporate Term

• Coaching

Translation

• You did something wrong and I’m telling you how to fix it.

Corporate Term

• Coachable moment
• Coaching opportunity

Translation

• A time of my chosing to explain to you how you fucked up. This can also be the time your boss uses to show you that they know more and better than you.

Corporate Term

• Increase

Translation

• A staggering 1.7% increase amounting to an extra, shiny quarter.

Corporate Term

• Comps were down.
• We fell short of our goal.
• Operating costs increased significantly.

Translation

• You will not be getting a raise.

Corporate Term

• Hiring Freeze

Translation

• We will not hire any additional employees so that our employees can have some semblance of a family life.

I will post the other 2 posts in the coming week. What did you think? I’ve got a bunch more. Stick with me kid and we’ll make a doosh out of you yet! You’ll be wearing a blue tooth before you know it!