Family · Kids · Parenting · Soccer

Parents Behaving Badly Part 3

Do you ever go through a holiday and someone completely takes you by surprise and gives you the most amazing gift on Earth? That was my Mother’s Day Weekend. Sure, I had to be up on Mother’s day at the ass crack of dawn for a soccer game, but the day before gave us what… Continue reading Parents Behaving Badly Part 3

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Family · Kids · Parenting · Ridiculousness · Soccer

Weekend Round Up

I feel as if I’ve lived 4 days all in this Sunday. We had a soccer tournament in Cincinnati this weekend and like clock work, our Sunday game began at 7 f’ing 30! 7:30! On a Sunday!! Of course I did the responsible thing and showered around 7:30 pm the night before and in bed… Continue reading Weekend Round Up

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Family · Kids · Pop Culture

10 Reasons I Should Never Fill Out Brackets

When did March Madness become something of an American holiday? When I tell people not only do I not want to fill out a bracket but I won’t be watching basketball, they respond as if I just said I won’t be putting a Christmas tree up this year. I don’t like sports. We’ve been over… Continue reading 10 Reasons I Should Never Fill Out Brackets

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Family · Kids · Parenting · Soccer

You Think You’re Ready For the Title?

This is what my husband jokingly says to our 12, almost 13-year-old. “You think you’re ready for the title?” So then they wrestle until P taps out and moves on. Later, P wrestles the 9-year-old C, until C taps out and then both move on. Aside from envisioning the worst possible scenario such as someone’s… Continue reading You Think You’re Ready For the Title?

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Family · Holiday

Hot Mess Doesn’t Do Basketball

So when my work emails us and says there are free suite tickets for the OSU basketball game, I jump at it. Not because I love sports, I think many of you know my feelings about sports. It’s for my sons. It just so happens that no other co-workers could make the game today so… Continue reading Hot Mess Doesn’t Do Basketball

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Fall · Family · Kids · Parenting · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

A How To Guide On Playing Football

As I completely miss the soccer ball my 8-year-old kicks to me, I’m reminded of how little to no experience I have with any sport what so ever. Every skill these boys got is from my soccer extraordinaire husband. With the exception of soccer (which I do find tedious if it’s not the Crew or… Continue reading A How To Guide On Playing Football

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Family · Kids · Parenting · Pop Culture

He’s Not Old, Damn It!

My early morning conversations with my 12-year-old seem to becoming more and more ridiculous as the school year marches on. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. We have approximately 20 minutes between the time I wake up and the time I drive him to the bus stop. In a hung-over haze, I quickly attempt… Continue reading He’s Not Old, Damn It!

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Family · Kids · Parenting · Ridiculousness · Soccer · Summer

This Isn’t A Locker Room!

Saturday kicked off the beginning of soccer season with what is known as a friendly game at 9 a.m. for my 8-year-old son, while my husband was taking my 12-year-old to his game. To be honest, there isn’t such a thing as a soccer season. Perhaps a soccer year? It’s like a unicorn or big… Continue reading This Isn’t A Locker Room!

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Family · Kids · Parenting · Soccer

I Should Have Googled How To Play Soccer

I can barely move my legs; they hurt so bad. This is somewhat of a wake up call that I need to A. continue my diet and B. exercise. Tonight was our parents vs. kids soccer game with my 8 year old-C. I decided to go all out so I hit the thrift store yesterday and scored an old-school pair of shorts and an Ohio State Soccer t-shirt for $4.50. I finished off the look with a thick white headband from The Walmart.

The Soccer Game

hot mess soccerAfter arriving at the field, I asked my friend to take this picture. Do you like it?

The game began and my main goal was to not get hit in the nose with the ball. Seeing that I have a roman nose, and it protrudes farther than most, this allowed it to be an easier target. And that hurts like mad to get hit in the nose. I was however secretly praying for a concussion as this would afford me 3-4 days off work.

 

At one point, the boys had a penalty kick. Since I don’t have balls (no pun intended) but wanted to “act the part”, here is how I stood. I look like I’m 80 in this pic from the way I squished my face up. I’m pleased to say I did not get hit in the face…..or balls.

Soccer Penalty Kick

The Soccer Halftime Show

Again, because I could give 2 shits about winning, I thought halftime would be a good time for another photo-op. I now appreciate the cheesiness of sport pictures children have to take. I decided to recreate a few….and someone photo bombed it…..

soccer mooning soccer pose 2

 

soccer pose

The Soccer Second Half

soccer ref

The second half began and I was kinda done. I ran for like 3 seconds and suddenly my thighs began to burn. ‘Holy shit, I’m out of shape,’ I thought as I bent over to catch my breath. I don’t even smoke! Like a kid on a road trip, I began to ask the “ref” every 4 minutes how much more time was left. When I was sure we only had 2 minutes, she informed me we actually had 10. 10? What the hell? Here is a pic of her taking a yellow card out of her bra at one point. Hilarious!

To sum up, I am SO BAD AT SOCCER IT HURTS. I am that person everyone doesn’t want on their team. When the whistle blew and the game was over, everyone kept playing. Not me. I was done. I announced the game is over and I would now be the photographer’s (my friend) assistant. Not surprisingly, no one argued being down a whole player as I exited the field. The kids beat us by 1 point….oh sorry….goal.

 

 

 

 

I do sports. I do sports real good.

 C and Me Playing Soccer
My son questioning if we are really related.

 

 

 

 

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