Sometimes Summer Can Suck, Here Is Why

I’m going to be real with you that I want my cake and eat it too when it comes to Summer. I want exactly 72 degrees (that’s 22.22222 in celcius according to Google and for the entire rest of the word that do not use fahrenheit). I want sun but ample clouds so even when the sun is beating down on me, I’m not sweating.

The Beach

The beach and the ocean, nice in theory, especially to us land-locked Americans but on day 2 in Hilton Head or Myrtle Beach (I have probably just given my exact location considering how many ______ vacation in these 2 areas) you realize all of it blows and you would rather sit in your air conditioned room. Additionally things wrong with the beach:

You feel like a burn victim if you venture away from beach chair more than 4′ in any direction other than the ocean. Shit that’s hot.

Again, I revert back to sweat. This is the most miserable feeling in the world because A. you have a thin veil of sweat, B. you have put your SPF 750 on and C. Somehow you managed to get a coating of sand all over you. So basically, you are a manicure with the number of layers you have on along with your SPF 750 dripping in your eyes and stinging.

Going into the ocean creeps me out. I don’t like not knowing what I’m stepping on.

Jellyfish freak me out beyond belief. Of the few people I know that have been stung by one, it sounds really painful. Additionally, jellyfish could quite possibly be the ugliest creature God ever made. There is no rhyme or reason to the creature and for anyone to say they’re beautiful, they’re not beautiful, there jelly…that….stings. Jelly is supposed to help you like strawberry jelly and KY jelly and jelly beans. But then again, there were jelly shoes and those hurt sooooo……

Shaving

I hate shaving. If I were a man I would probably claim hipster and grow a beard. And shaving your bikini area is a joke on so many levels. I’d like to thank the sick little dum-dum(s) that declared a bare bikini area socially acceptable. They haven’t gone through waxing (that’s a whole other story I’ll share with you guys sometime) or shaving at home only to be left with itching that is on par with crabs. Once you do shave and put your bathing suit on, the sunlight hits that area in just the right way, to uncover 1 lone pubic hair you missed and are now completely self conscious about. And it’s not a baby hair, thin one you missed. It’s the type of hair you would find on one of my Italian relative’s chest.

Short fat

I love the idea of shorts, I hate sitting in them though because your leg fat spreads out making you seem to weigh 50 lbs more than you actually do. Then you sit outside in your shorts and have now left the seat wet for the next occupant from sweating. You noticing a theme here with all the sweating? And to piggy back on the last comment, you have to shave to be in shorts.

Bugs

It’s not uncommon for my mother in law to want to try out a new restaurant, especially in the summer. We will get there and find that because they have a patio she has a rule that we must eat on the patio. Pay no attention to the 95 degrees/85% humidity or that there aren’t umbrellas, they have patio so we have to partake. I don’t mind eating on my patio when all the stars are aligned and we’re talking a lot of stars but I want to enjoy my food and I can’t do that sweating like Donald Trump at a women’s rights rally.

So how about you? Do you love summer? What even is your summer like? Someone from Iceland could be reading this right now and I have no idea their temperature.