My Letter to the Nanny

Oh my God, I hate using the word Nanny. Unless I’m stupid rich, I haven’t earned the right to have a nanny. The Nanny started today. Our caregiver (and that’s almost too granola for me) is in her mid-twenties with a college education so to call her a babysitter isn’t really fair. When I think babysitter, I think of when I was 12, watching 2 brats, contemplating if I should shave my legs since the hairs were now poking through the pantyhose and I was the last person in the school to shave. I digress.

As always I write a helpful note to each “caregiver” to take the guessing out of the day to day. Below is my letter she is getting tomorrow. I think you’ll find a few things that sound familiar.

Phone numbers

Hot Mess: xxx-xxx-xxxx

C: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Grandma: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Grandpa: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Neighbor’s Numbers

P: This is our unofficial security alarm. She can see 2 streets over and the reason we have not locked our doors in over a decade. Anything out of the ordinary will warrant a call and her asking you “if you’re mad at her”. xxx-xxx-xxxx

J and C: C’s best friend’s parents, behind us 1 houses over on left: xxx-xxx-xxxx

M: works from home, behind us 2 houses over on left: xxx-xxx-xxxx

FOOD

• P is obsessed with Sunkist and is like a crack addict looking for his next fix. He is allowed no more than 1 a day and I prefer 1 every other day. He will use the excuse that a neighbor kid is allowed Mountain Dew at the age of 3. Just respond, “and they are from West Virgina” and walk away.
• Don’t be surprised if P attempts to eat a Kit Kat at 9 am and when you tell him no, he will look at you as if you just told him he is not allowed to use the restroom….ever.
• C is 40% water, 30% Doritos and 30% Mac n Cheese. Like P and his Sunkist, C would roll around in mac n cheese if he could.
• At lunch, all that I ask is they eat 1 fruit or vegetable with their sandwich or whatever they are eating. When P asks for a brownie as a side, please use black mail and tell him after he eats his carrots.
• There are days they will eat every hour. It’s possible to feed them at noon and at 12:57, C is hitting the pantry because he’s hungry.
• As I mentioned before, please feel free to eat or drink anything. As we get more towards the end of summer, we can revisit alcoholic beverages as I’m guessing you will need a cold one every now and then.

Personal Hygiene

• My children loathe sanitation. They find a 3 day a week brushing regime perfectly acceptable. “But I brushed them yesterday,” has been uttered more than once. Can you please make sure they floss and brush in the morning? They also will try to go the more traditional European route with a shower twice a week.
• As I am raising vampires, can you please ensure sunscreen when they go out? I have like SPF 1,000 by the fridge.

Switzerland

Good luck on the fighting. Again, please don’t hesitate to send them to their rooms. If that doesn’t work slap’em. No, I kid…maybe. Threaten a text to my husband, they’ll shape real quick.

In an effort to stretch boundaries and/or get out of chores, P will tell you “he didn’t hear you.”

Please enact “quiet time” as a way for you to be able to unwind. Quiet time is 1 hour, of your choosing. Unless there is a fire or someone is in trouble, they cannot ask you for anything while you take a break.

GOOD LUCK TODAY! PLEASE DON’T QUIT!!!!