I haven’t done a “how to be a decent human being” post in a really long time. For a while, I was worried that I had used up all the topics. I mean, I had covered everything from communication to being a soccer parent to bathroom etiquette to co-workers. Then this adorable little crisis came to shore called the Coronavirus. This forced us all to be in quarantine with the ones we love, also known as the people we need occasional breaks from.
Now in my 10th week of quarantine, I’ve learned a lot. Not that I’m going to be around for the next pandemic but I would highly recommend the CDC posts this post when the next one comes around. It would probably save marriages, livers and waistlines. Here it goes…..
Don’t Eat Everything in Sight During Quarantine
For the first few weeks, I don’t know what was wrong with me, I just ate everything. I don’t know if I thought Reese cups would become as scarce as toilet paper and I needed to eat them so I could clearly remember the taste in order to tell my grandchildren or what. Perhaps it was a survival mentality: eat everything, beef up then if you need to starve, you can live off your own fat. I don’t know, is that how it works with bears?
Don’t Wait Till the Last Week to Do All Your School Work
My son waited till the last week to do most of his at-home school work. Nay, he waited till the week of turning in any missing assignments to turn in all regular assignments. I had that kid in the same room with me every single day from 10 to 2 doing school work so what the hell was he doing? After making him complete every single assignment and moving on to 6th grade with straight A’s I told him,
“honey, I love you and proud of you for completing all of it but if you do that again, I’m putting you up for adoption.”
During the Day, You Need to Use Your Inside Voice
I’ve come to realize that my family is really loud. Like really, really loud. We talk loud, laugh loud and play loud. After about the third week, I began to regret taking the front room as my home office. My 15-year-old would come down and while bouncing a ball on the wood floors, have a 20-minute conversation with my husband regarding soccer. This would usually result in me being on the phone with a vendor and spastically racing into the kitchen like a mute with no voice, using my hands to make snapping noises as a sign to shut the hell up. I probably have permanent lip wrinkles from pursing my lips so much. Earplugs have become my best friend.
Zoom Calls on Speaker
For the love of God, use headphones! When my husband has daily Zoom calls, it’s like a cocktail party has kicked off in the other room but without alcohol. I’ve actually gotten to know my husband’s co-workers but they don’t need to know that. Last week he took a call while I was in the kitchen making coffee. I actually found myself responding to one of them when he said “everyone just needs a vacation.” And I’m like, “Oh my God, I know, right?!”
I hope he didn’t hear me.
The Printer is Not Wilson
Something happened today that was somewhat eye-opening and a little frightening. I began to treat my work printer like a disobedient child. She, I mean it, wouldn’t turn on.
“Oh no, you’re not doing this to me again,” I told it. “You’re going to work and that’s all there is to it.”
After a few flicks of the wall switch and unplugging it twice, that little jerk finally decided to work. And side note, printers really are dicks. I actually wrote about it a few years ago. So if you begin to talk to your laptop or decide on happy hour with your stapler, please take a day off.
Don’t Face the Sidewalk While You Work
I sit directly in front of the window/sidewalk and see everything. In the beginning, I was so incredibly happy with this set-up. I thought, “Oh my God, this is a dream to watch outside while I work versus the corner of a cubicle. But about a month ago, I began to pay notice to all the people out jogging and walking. Here are some of the inside thoughts about these people.
A woman passed by, talking on her cell phone: “Who the fuck is she talking to? It’s 8 am?”
An old man spastically mall-walks every morning: “Go gett’em George Jefferson.”
2 friends jog by: “That’s not 6′ apart ladies.”
What is wrong with me? Am I jealous that they are actually being active? Maybe. Some of the comments come out before I even have time to filter them.
As usual, I’m going to wrap up this post and remember 4 other things you should do to be a decent human being during quarantine. Make my job easier, what am I missing? What are people doing that are pissing you off at home?