When I need a two-minute laugh break at work, I go to my spam folder and peruse the fine emails I’ve received. Some come from Nigeria, others are from the Warren Buffet Foundation (if that even exists). Below are just a few I’ve received over the past few days. Eventually, when I’m extra bored, I’ll find an old tablet, make up an email address and with the help of public wi-fi, I’ll respond to these scammers and have a fuckin’ field day with it. As you may recall, I do love to scam a scammer as I did when I was selling my oldest’s bunk bed. Shall we get started? My comments are in red parenthesis.
May the Peace of God
May the peace of God be with you and your family.I know it will be a great surprise reading from me today but consider this a divine intervention as a pastor explained to my understanding. My name is Mrs. Elizabeth Smith .G (wrong place for a period sister), a widow from Oklahoma USA and am writing you from my sick bed because i have been fighting cancer and the doctors says i have only few weeks left. I want to entrust my money ($8.5 million USD) (thank you for putting USD. I was confident Elizabeth Smith from Oklahoma was going to be paying me in yen) to your care for charity purposes to help the less privileged as my late husbands relatives want me dead so that they will claim all my late husband and i worked for. (Um, you may want to call 911 if you think they’re going to off you)
I will tell you more about myself and what you need to do with the money once your receive it.Please write me soon as my health is pretty bad and my doctors says i will be moved to the intensive care unit anytime soon.Have a blessed day and please do pray for me.God bless you.
Yours Mrs. Elizabeth Smith .G
We wish to congratulate and inform you that after thorough review of all unclaimed funds, lottery funds, Inheritance and contract funds, etc. in conjunction with the auditor;s reports sent to the united nation accounts department, your payment file was forwarded to this office for immediate transfer of US$5,550,000.00 to your bank account, a compensation for your funds retarded (excuse me ma’am but I prefer funds handicapped, not retarded).
The auditors reports shows that you have been going through hard times by paying a lot of money to certain group of individuals (yeah, it’s called a mortgage and utilities) for the transfer of funds to your bank account, which has been by some delay dubious officials.
We therefore advice you (advice you? What are we? Yoda? Advice you I may) that you stop further correspondence with any officer or persons outside this office since as you have met up with the funds transfer requirements. (Well this does seem legit)
Should you follow our directives, your US$5,550,000.00 compensation will be credited to your bank account within the next three (3) working days and copies of the fund transfer release documents will be sent to you and your bankers for confirmation.
For the immediate transfer of the US$5,550,000.00 to your bank account, kindly contact Mrs. Evelyn Anita today with the below information; she will give you guidelines on how to claim your fund.
Name: Mrs. Evelyn Anita.
Why Is It Always a Woman Dying of Cancer?
My name is Mrs. Susan Cooper, I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago (Cancer again? Can’t they pick another disease? You know, shake things up a bit.). I will be going in for an operation later today. I decided to WILL/DONATE some amount to you. Please do pray to God for my recovery.
Contact my lawyer with this email:
Name: Barr. Andrew Li
Email : email@example.com
God Bless you.
Mrs. Susan Cooper
Send It to My Private Email
Assistant Inspection Director
San Diego International Airport
3225N Harbor Dr, San Diego
CA92101, United States California
Re: Your Package For Delivery
I have very vital information to give to you, but first I must have your trust before I can reveal it to you because it may cause me my job.So I need someone I can trust for me to reveal such secret.
I am Mr.Kenneth Edward, head of luggage / baggage storage facilities here at the San Diego International Airport, California USA. During my recent withheld package routine check at the Airport Storage Vault, I discovered an abandoned shipment from a Diplomat from London and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a metal trunk box. The consignment was abandoned because the Contents of the consignment was not properly declared by the consignee as “MONEY” rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid interrogation and also the inability of the diplomat to pay for the United States Non Inspection Charges which is $ 3,700USD (If I ever did see a run-on sentence, that would be it). On my assumption the consignment is still left in our Storage House here at the San Diego International Airport till date. The details of the consignment including your name,your email address and the official documents from the United Nations office in Geneva are tagged on the Trunk box.
However, to enable me confirm if you are the actual recipient of this consignment as the assistant director of the Inspection Unit, I will advise you provide your current Phone Number and Full Address, to enable me cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official documents including the name of nearest Airport around your city. Please note that this consignment is supposed to have been returned to the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed delivery due to the delays in concluding the clearance processes so as a result of this, I will not be able to receive your details on my official email account. (This guy is so fuckin’ confusing and with the help of run-on sentences, one might actually fall for all his “official”, boring jargon. And that’s the thing, this letter is so boring I find myself skimming it). So in order words (in “order” words? LOL!) to enable me cross check your details, I will advise you send the required details to my private email address (seems legit that a Southwest Airlines employee would ask you to send your contact info to his private email) quick processing and response. Once I confirm you as the actual recipient of the trunk box, I can get everything concluded within 48hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery.
Lastly, be informed that the reason I have taken it upon myself to contact you personally about this abandoned consignment is because I want us to transact this business and share the money 80% for you and 20% for me (and now the real reason is coming to us but again, totally legit) since the consignment has not yet been returned to the United States Treasury Department after being abandoned by the diplomat so immediately the confirmation is made, I will go ahead and pay for the United States Non Inspection Fee of $ 3,700 dollars and arrange for the box to be delivered to your doorstep Or I can bring it by myself to avoid any more trouble but you have to assure me of my 20% share. (God I want to email this dude so bad and fuck around with his scam. Honestly folks, it’s really killing me)
I wait to hear from you urgently, and I will appreciate if we can keep this deal confidential.
Reply via my official Email: (firstname.lastname@example.org) Thank you.
Assistant Inspection Director
San Diego International Airport
California 3225 N Harbor Dr, San Diego
CA92101, United States
Warren Buffett Foundation picked you for a $1 500,000 donation. For more details reply (These ass holes don’t mess around. They’re like, “yeah, you won the pot. It’s a $1 500,000 donation. We’re just letting you know.)
Did you guys like those? Trust me, I probably have 20 more in my junk box. But this has given me an idea. Tomorrow, I will be posting my own scam letter. If I were the scammer, here is what I would write. Tune in tomorrow for my own custom letter! Happy Thursday! It’s almost the weekend, thank the baby Jesus!