The Crappy Valentine Gift Guide

Starting in January, the internet, social media and magazines are flooded with “the perfect” Valentines gift. Like the holidays, you’re bombarded with perfume, flowers and jewelry ads. Kay’s jewelers offers cheese commercials leaving you vomiting in your mouth. While companies offer up their wares no matter how inappropriate it would be for Valentines Day.

Make her feel loved and cherished this Valentines season with an oil change from QuickLube. This Valentines day, she won’t be the only one lubed up!

Look, I know we all have our own tastes and our own likes. But if I ever receive any of the below as a Valentines Gift, someone’s getting throat punched and they better have the gift receipt.

But if you’re not really into your Valentine this year and your thinking about dumping her (most of these gifts are geared towards a woman) anyway, then these gifts are absolutely perfect.

Vermont Teddy Bear

Can someone answer why this is even an option? What grown (mature) woman wants a teddy bear? Oh wait, furries. That is the exception, I’ll give you that. But come on! Then they have the audacity to have attractive, adult women modeling with the stupid bears.

Buy her a bear and you’re instantly going to Poundtown. 

No peoples, it doesn’t work that way. If I get a bear for Valentines day I will lose my shit.

And do you know how much these things cost? Like $100!

Pajamagrams

Because this company essentially has a monopoly on the worst Valentines Day gifts, Pajamagrams is owned by the same people who own Vermont Teddy Bears.

I’ve seen this commercial more than once around this time. It’s a sexy model in a fleece onesie. If I show up on Valentines day in a fleece onesie, my husband would immediately call the first divorce attorney he could find. And if I give up on life and ever wear one of these, I’d offer him my phone to call the lawyer.

A Wall Flower & A Unicorn Spa Wrap

When I perused Bath and Body Works Valentines Gift guide, I came across these 2 little nuggets they were suggesting as suitable gifts. So you want to get me an air freshener? And I just happened upon the unicorn thing because I couldn’t make it out. At first it looked like spider legs wrapped in a terry cloth towel. Could you imagine some guy insisting his girlfriend try the spa wrap on at the time of unwrap?

Harry & David Pears

So let me get this straight, you’re gonna slap tiny heart stickers onto pears, put them in a box and sell them for $30? I’m sorry, are we hamsters? Break up with the person if you ever get this as a gift. This is stupid.

Fishing Lure & Monkeys from Bed Bath and Beyond

BBB has a bunch of dumb Valentine gifts to choose from. The 2 that stuck out was this fishing lure and monkeys. These monkeys look like the kind found in grabber games wearing stupid t-shirts. I mean, I would get it if you are a monkey keeper at the zoo but 99.999% of us aren’t.

Reusable Tampon Applicator

This just leaves me shaking my head. I once did a post on their other “quality” product- THINX which is supposed to be underwear you can have your period in. Which if I wanted to wear a diaper during my period, I’d simply go buy Depends. Look, I’m all about saving the environment but leave tampons alone. Pass.

A $400 Dyson Hairdryer

So this brings me to my last crappy Valentines Day gift. They really did it. Dyson is suggesting a $400 hairdryer for Valentines Day. If I have a $400 hairdryer, it better dry my hair in 3 seconds. Look, I would be over the moon if my husband got me a Lenovo Yoga 720 15″ laptop for Valentines day but any other appliance is really unacceptable.

The moral of the story is here guys, think long and hard about the gift she wants. If you have 0 idea, just get her an Amazon gift card. No seriously. She can do some damage with one of those bad boys!