I’m sure this post is going to go over well for hopeful twenty and thirty-somethings who dream of their fairytale wedding. Perhaps that’s why my husband and I haven’t been invited to one in over a decade. But then again, we aren’t at that point in our lives where friends are getting married. We’re at that point where everyone’s divorcing. Did I mention this is an optimistic post?
I love how we have a shower for someone that’s been living with someone for a decade. What could you possibly need at this point?
The Bachelorette Party
This can range from a stripper at the local Knights Inn to a weekend in Las Vegas. The fact that some women expect their friends (key word there) to spend money on a night to act like complete hoes is beyond me. It’s on par with female adult Halloween costumes. Your either a hoe or you aren’t; don’t pay extra for one night to convey it.
The Rehearsal Dinner
Well, it’s not enough that we’ve secured tomorrow’s dinner at the golf club at $39.95 per person and there are 180 attendees. Let’s throw another party beforehand, have dinner at a place our parents can’t afford, all in the name to distribute my tacky-ass Things Remembered bridal party gifts.
The Bridal Party
There is a rival out there of the bridezilla and that’s the oblivious bride. The oblivious bride is certain money grows on trees and expects all of her bridesmaids to prune theirs.
When I hear how much some bridesmaids dresses are these days, I nearly fall off my chair.
“But at least you can wear it again.” Is what I’ve heard before about bridesmaid dresses. I want to be like, “bitch, I’m not having dinner with the Queen. I’ll never wear this thing again.”
In my mind, and I know I’m going to offend on this, there’s nothing more insulting when you spend $300 on a bridesmaid dress and your bridal party “gift” from the bride is the costume jewelry you are to wear at the wedding. Again, not having dinner with the queen so I’ll have zero opportunity to wear this diamonique bib necklace anywhere. Your gift is null and void.
I love that by the time the wedding rolls around, all the “cheap but seems expensive” gifts have been taken. Your left deciding between the king size comforter made of baby skin for $300 or the elephant tusk hutch at $3,000. Apparently, the bride and groom invited millionaires to the party.
Nothing gets my goat more when you have just sat through a God damn Catholic wedding at noon, you’re starving and you have to wait for the bride and groom to take 75 pictures with every single member of the family, including the dentist.
I just Googled the average cost of wedding photography and do you know what that bitch just told me? The average cost of wedding photography is between $2,500 and $10,000. $10,000 for pictures? Are you kidding me? For 10K, the photographer better accompany us on the honeymoon and have pics of us brushing our teeth.
Look, I don’t know what the answer is with feeding all your guests. While I’m not suggesting pizza and punch that comes out of a Gatorade dispenser, I think $40 per person is ridiculous ($41 is the U.S. average). For $40 per person, I could buy everyone’s dinner (sans alcohol) at Ruth Chris Steakhouse. And I love me some steak!
Look, I won’t go on and on about the cost of weddings. And when my sons marry, we will pay for the items we are traditionally responsible for unless they become millionaires. Then their on their own.