Both my sons have the same soccer coach. Given the drama over the past 10 days, how that man isn’t a raging alcoholic is beyond me. I’d drink if I were him but then again, it doesn’t take drama for me to pour a glass of wine. Am I right? Now, this letter isn’t for the normal parents who understand these are just kids, never question the ref or coaches and always offer words of encouragement. This isn’t about you and God bless you.
This letter is from us, the assholes, to the coaches. Yep, I’ve been an ass hole before and sometimes after a game I ask myself, ‘what have I become?’ Do you know how many times today I said “we are the worst,” when describing soccer parent behavior at work? Five times, I counted. Anyway, this letter at the very least, is to show we are mindful of our asshole like tendencies.
On behalf of all the bat-shit crazy parents, I’d like to apologize for our behavior. It doesn’t matter if you coach soccer, baseball, volleyball or curling, your patience with us is a lesson and quite frankly, inspiring. Please understand this letter isn’t from the normal parent who is actually able to keep their emotions in check. They don’t owe an apology. If I were you, I’d quit now and write books. A few titles that come to mind include, “How to Deal with Bat Shit Crazy” or “Your Kid Will Never Be Neymar”. These are just a few ideas however I’d be happy to bounce additional titles off you, at your leisure.
Though I’m guilty of a few, the below is what I either experienced or collaborated with my friends, to really drive home the level of bat shit crazy many youth coaches around the world experience. Here is what we’re sorry for:
- Yelling at the refs, even when they were nuns or priests.
- Emailing you that I was unhappy with the position my child is playing.
- Emailing you that my son/daughter wasn’t getting enough play time.
- Not going to practice due to rain. We’ve since learned rain will not hurt us and will make every attempt to attend during rain.
- Arriving 2 minutes before a game starts despite your gentle request of 30 minutes.
- Getting drunk in the common area of the hotel of travel tournaments. You looking on, in sheer disgust.
- Threatening you.
- For calling 9-year-olds obscene names based on athletic ability.
- Signing the parents code of conduct then giving zero fucks that we signed it.
- Having to coach the parents more than the kids.
- All the sideline coaching you endure but damn it, I’m convinced it will totally make a difference.
- Calling you an ass hole.
- Calling other parents an ass hole.
- Calling the children ass holes.
- Asking if practice is canceled….because it rained.
- Having parent meetings because of our poor behavior.
- Being accused of things because “Johnny would never lie….”
- Fighting with the parents of the other team.
- Being featured in Parents Behaving Badly on You Tube.
I’m sure I missed many other indiscretions and for that, I apologize. Just know you are appreciated and I’m sorry for our behavior.
Mrs. Bat Shit Crazy
P.S. As a token of my appreciation for your hard work and dedication, I have submitted a request to make September 25th officially Youth Coach Day. If granted, please use this day to ignore all of us though I’m sure one will show up on your door step.
Now people, it’s your turn. What did I miss from the above list that you’ve seen or heard about?