Ridiculousness · Soccer · Work

My Brain and Miscellaneous

Born This Way

Today at work, a co-worker was having an extremely rough day….nay….a week. I told him to drink a lot of alcohol this evening. Obviously the cure for all.

“I can’t, I only have 1 kidney,” he said.

“Aww, you donated?” I responded.

“No, just born that way.”

I thought for a second then began to laugh uncontrollably. Not because I have a brain injury and laughed when I shouldn’t, but because an entire scenario went through my head and I decided to share it.

“You know what would be really funny?” I said.

“What?”

“If someone kidnapped you, attempted to harvest your second kidney for money, opened you up, only to discover you had just one!”

He laughed uncomfortably. I thought it was pretty damn funny.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Why don’t the husband’s have handmaids?

I mean, would they wear horrible red suits? But then they would probably be pimps because no one really wears a red suit except for pimps. But I’ve never met a pimp so maybe they don’t? And I guess with a red suit they would have to wear a red fedora but then I’m like, “hold on, that’s my cup of tea cause I wear a fedora at literally all soccer games and events. Here I am at the blessed opening of Ikea wearing a fedora:

My Pointing at Ikea
My son protested taking this picture, embarrassed. After threatening we would not go to the Nike outlet, he complied. He was supposed to get the word IKEA in the shot as I wanted to be pointing at it.

So why don’t the women of Gilead get to screw male handmaids? Again, for anyone that hasn’t seen it, the husband gets to fuck the handmaid while the wife is holding her down. Almost like the handmaid is the wife’s vagina. Why can’t the husband hold down this younger guy, as if he is the husband’s dick? Just sayin.’

This Mother’s Day Weekend

It’s less than 24 hours away from Mother’s Day! I wish every mother out there the best fuckin’ mother’s day they have ever had! I hope you sit on your thrown like you should while your husband and children feeds you grapes and fans you! You had a watermelon eject from your strawberry size va-ja-ja and some of you ass holes didn’t even get an epidural which I can’t even wrap my mind around. If it were up to me, I would have had them numb me to my neck. Actually I always questioned why God didn’t allow us to shit out an egg and sit on it for 9 months like a bird. Can you imagine the level of binge watching that could take place with that?

Soccer Tournament

Oh….you know what that means bitches! Tomorrow afternoon we are driving to Cincinnati for a soccer tournament which also means my BFF’s, NC, NG and AF will all be there in all their glory. If you don’t remember them, here are a few posts with them: Travel Soccer= Booze Fest or this YouTube video from last Fall: https://youtu.be/y1fETwdx680

Since it’s Mother’s Day Weekend and someone who hates their mom scheduled our game at 8 a.m., why not make the best of it? Anything goes. Facebook live, YouTube video, a later post, who knows. Just get ready!

 

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “My Brain and Miscellaneous

  1. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!! I have no idea how you got away with getting from kidney kidnappings to socccer games but man- you did it hahahaha

    1. LOL! It’s called a diagnosis of moderate to severe ADD and this is an obvious example! How was your Mother’s day? Happy Mother’s day!!!

      1. Lmao! It was “relaxing”. Aka- I was taken out to brunch and then I came home and spent the day doing laundry and cleaning up hahaha!!

        1. NOOOO! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSE TO DO THAT! The only thing I did remotely close to that was unpack my suitcase. Bad mom! Bad mom! Next year, you do nothing!!

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