Family · Kids · Parenting · Rants · Ridiculousness · Soccer

How I Fail as a Soccer Mom

It is no secret that the day I drive a mini van is the day I give you carte blanche to shoot me. Before I even had children, I made a vow that I would never, ever, ever drive a mini van. I don’t care if during soccer tournaments we car pool with another soccer mom that has a mini van that seats 8 people despite only having a family of 4 and my son envies it. Usually these caravans spare no expense with a t.v. screen in the back of each seat, automatic sliding doors and heated seats. My toosh was never warm growing up (aside from the occasional spanking) and I turned out just fine.

In addition to the obnoxiousness of these covered wagons, there are other things I don’t subscribe to as I don’t think it makes or breaks the support I show my sons at soccer games. For young parents whose kids aren’t in soccer or any other sport, read on so you don’t become any of the below.

Yelling at the Ref

First of all, if I were to yell at the ref, I would have 0 idea what I’m talking about. If anything, the ref would get a great laugh. Mainly left to the dads, there are occasionally some moms who berate the ref. Calm down spazoide. No one’s going back to North Korea without a gold medal and now subject to a labor camp.

Obnoxious Camera

obnoxious soccer mom
The actual mom this point is about.

There was a woman at P’s game Sunday that was absolutely ridiculous. She laid a blanket down next to the goalie along with what looked like her carry on luggage from Europe. She then produced this obnoxiously huge camera that was on par with an ESPN photographer. When the team flipped sides, so did she.

Meanwhile, my son asked if I would use his professional camera and take shots of his soccer game. 5 minutes before the game started, I realized I had left the charger at home and the camera was dead. Being this was his first game as captain, I didn’t want him to worry about the pictures. For the next hour and 30 minutes, I raised the camera and pretended to take pictures.

“I knew you weren’t taking pictures,” P said after the game.

“You did? How?” I asked shocked. I thought my performance was award-winning.

“The lens cap was on.”

Obnoxiously Dressed

These women not only sport a team shirt but team shorts and flip-flops with team color pom-poms on it. Their nails are painted in the team’s colors and they may even sport some light glitter on their face. The picture button you can buy from team picture day usually resembles an 8″ dinner plate. It’s normally attached to their purse or jacket.

Has the Schedule Memorized and Thinks You Should Too

Look, I’m just trying to make it through the day. When you start grilling me about my plans for a soccer tournament in 2 weeks, I didn’t even know we had a soccer tournament in 2 weeks. Theres a reason someone invented Team Snap, and it’s for parents like me with a full-time job, 8 hours of commuting a week, both children in soccer and attempting to raise 2 well-rounded boys.

Understands Soccer More Than Messi

I always enjoy when a mom sits down next to me at a game and attempts to converse intelligently about the sport. At what point did I give off the impression I know what’s going on? I would think me cheering for another team’s goal accidentally would have been enough indication that I know nothing. I don’t know what off sides are. I don’t know what league we’re in. Hell, I don’t even know what a league is. I don’t know about rankings. I don’t know how long halves are based on what type of game we are in. I don’t know the ref’s sign language. I don’t know how line judges interact. I KNOW NOTHING!

So that’s my little rant du jour. From all moms, hockey, baseball, football, swim, etc, I want to hear from you! What makes someone an obnoxious mom that gets your eyes rolling at your kids’ games?

hot mess soccer

Hot Mess is social! Click and follow!

33 thoughts on “How I Fail as a Soccer Mom

  1. I soon realised after a few times standing in the cold watching son no. 1 playing football that he was also standing in the cold – not doing much. The one time he did a great save I was talking to my friend and missed it – ashamed when the headmaster said ‘Well done G!’. Luckily he changed to judo soon after that. Son 2 never had any desire to be in the In team, football or any other!

    1. This makes me feel better because I too have missed a goal or something sweet my sons did b/c I was talking with the other moms. Oops. I love that they are in sports but man, sometimes I feel like the real competition is on the sidelines.

  2. You didn’t take the lens cap off I bloody love it! ObvsvI am a Brit and no nothing about soft or hard ball baseball or soccer. Not because I am ignorant about other countries past times as I know zilch about, cricket, football, golf, croquet or Lacrosse. I feinged it when my offspring were young, turned up nodded waved and whooped if others did. But I am not sporty and not a fashion plate who wants all to see her glitz … Hard working kind a bit crazy but not sporty. So You are doing a good thing but really do you have to be everything to everyone … No. Let others be the plastic pretenders who do what makes them look good and often results in them looking stupid. High five your boys and laugh about the rest in the big scheme of things your simple fun honesty will growgood men. X

    1. Ah Ellen, your words make me feel relieved and better. When I watch football (American) I have no idea whats happening and wait for everyone else to cheer then I cheer. I support my boys 100% and I hope they know it. Even if I’m not the mom being obnoxious.

  3. Um…. all that to me sounds like winning. Kids also need reality, they need to know they aren’t the only thing that matters, and that life doesn’t revolve around them… they need to charge their own camera if they expect their mom to use it…. congrats you’re super!

    1. I totally agree with creativerational! When did kids become the center of the universe? Why do parents think this is good parenting? It just creates obnoxious, self important, egomaniacs. How sad is it that this parents have zero life of their own?? You are winning, don’t fall for that soccer mom crap!

      1. This is what I love about blogging, all the support. Well I feel like a failure sometimes. It makes me feel better to write out what really bugs me and these obnoxious, over the top women are it. Thank you! Thank you to you and to everyone else that understands what I’m trying to say. And you’re right, it’s so sad how these women don’t make some sort of life they can call their own. Like the mini van, I don’t like them and I will not get them just so my kids can have heated asses and have a video running. Hell, they have phones, look it up on the phones. And you know what? I’m not going to show up at a soccer tournament wearing a gigantic soccer ball that has my kid’s number on it and guess what? He won’t be a weirdo when he’s an adult.

    2. Ah, thank you! And this is sooooo true. I think these moms that give up everything for their kids sometimes aren’t doing it for the right reason. Some are, but some use the mentioned techniques like, almost like a pissing match. “I’m a better mom than you because ____________.” Just show up, your kids don’t care you painted tiny little soccer balls on your fingers. Thats tacky anyways.

  4. Oooo I feel this *so* much!! I have no idea what is going on at any of my kidlet’s soccer games!! Last Monday I had to take 3rd and I sat there, trying to pay attention but bored out of my mind. I did see him take 2 balls to the face, get slid into by a monster of a player who was probably 27 not 11 and he started to cry because he twisted his ankle. And he did make the first goal. At least I know to cheer when that happens.

    1. Jesus! That was a terrible day for him! I’m sorry. Now that P’s games are like 40 minute halves, it is about double the amount of time it should be!!! Yes, I too cheer when everyone else cheers.

  5. Okay, I didn’t Soccer because I told Offspring when he was tiny that if he wanted to do that shit it was on him and I would show up for Very Important Games only. So you’re doing better than I did. But that camera mom? She’s everywhere. Seriously, she shows up at rally and lure coursing (both dog sports) events, school plays, puppet shows, you name it. Pretty sure I saw her at a bris once.

    1. Well thank you! You’re right, she really is everywhere and sometimes horribly obnoxious! Ugh! If I miss one game of my sons’, all hell breaks loose. Swear to God!

    1. LOL!!! We had a lot of “supportive” parents in the stands today. As a matter of a fact, the grandparents were worse. One grandpa’s voice boomed so loud, it really did impress me.

  6. I think it sounds like you sound really supportive. You just didn’t reach the obnoxious level! This is way better for your son anyway!

    By the way, it is awesome that he saw the cap was on when you pretended to take photos! Lolz!

Wanna leave a reply?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.