How I Fail as a Soccer Mom

soccer mom

It is no secret that the day I drive a mini van is the day I give you carte blanche to shoot me. Before I even had children, I made a vow that I would never, ever, ever drive a mini van. I don’t care if during soccer tournaments we car pool with another soccer mom that has a mini van that seats 8 people despite only having a family of 4 and my son envies it. Usually these caravans spare no expense with a t.v. screen in the back of each seat, automatic sliding doors and heated seats. My toosh was never warm growing up (aside from the occasional spanking) and I turned out just fine.

In addition to the obnoxiousness of these covered wagons, there are other things I don’t subscribe to as I don’t think it makes or breaks the support I show my sons at soccer games. For young parents whose kids aren’t in soccer or any other sport, read on so you don’t become any of the below.

Yelling at the Ref

First of all, if I were to yell at the ref, I would have 0 idea what I’m talking about. If anything, the ref would get a great laugh. Mainly left to the dads, there are occasionally some moms who berate the ref. Calm down spazoide. No one’s going back to North Korea without a gold medal and now subject to a labor camp.

Obnoxious Camera

obnoxious soccer mom

The actual mom this point is about.

There was a woman at P’s game Sunday that was absolutely ridiculous. She laid a blanket down next to the goalie along with what looked like her carry on luggage from Europe. She then produced this obnoxiously huge camera that was on par with an ESPN photographer. When the team flipped sides, so did she.

Meanwhile, my son asked if I would use his professional camera and take shots of his soccer game. 5 minutes before the game started, I realized I had left the charger at home and the camera was dead. Being this was his first game as captain, I didn’t want him to worry about the pictures. For the next hour and 30 minutes, I raised the camera and pretended to take pictures.

“I knew you weren’t taking pictures,” P said after the game.

“You did? How?” I asked shocked. I thought my performance was award-winning.

“The lens cap was on.”

Obnoxiously Dressed

These women not only sport a team shirt but team shorts and flip-flops with team color pom-poms on it. Their nails are painted in the team’s colors and they may even sport some light glitter on their face. The picture button you can buy from team picture day usually resembles an 8″ dinner plate. It’s normally attached to their purse or jacket.

Has the Schedule Memorized and Thinks You Should Too

Look, I’m just trying to make it through the day. When you start grilling me about my plans for a soccer tournament in 2 weeks, I didn’t even know we had a soccer tournament in 2 weeks. Theres a reason someone invented Team Snap, and it’s for parents like me with a full-time job, 8 hours of commuting a week, both children in soccer and attempting to raise 2 well-rounded boys.

Understands Soccer More Than Messi

I always enjoy when a mom sits down next to me at a game and attempts to converse intelligently about the sport. At what point did I give off the impression I know what’s going on? I would think me cheering for another team’s goal accidentally would have been enough indication that I know nothing. I don’t know what off sides are. I don’t know what league we’re in. Hell, I don’t even know what a league is. I don’t know about rankings. I don’t know how long halves are based on what type of game we are in. I don’t know the ref’s sign language. I don’t know how line judges interact. I KNOW NOTHING!

So that’s my little rant du jour. From all moms, hockey, baseball, football, swim, etc, I want to hear from you! What makes someone an obnoxious mom that gets your eyes rolling at your kids’ games?

hot mess soccer


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