My Hollywood Anxiety in 4 Examples


The boys and I are going to Los Angeles the second week of April. To say we are excited is an understatement. We are staying with my wonderful cousin F as he has agreed to take us in for 5 nights. F, if you’re reading this, hide anything you don’t want broken cause the balls are gonna be flyin’ and I’m not talkin’ the balls you’re used to.


I’ve been to L.A. before and along with Miami, they are the only 2 places on Earth that make me feel deformed. I decided to paint you a picture so you can better understand my anxiety about my appearance in the land of beautiful people.

Lack of Swagger

In L.A., these ass holes can go into a restaurant and keep their sunglasses on the entire time, and this is accepted. I go into a restaurant and feel like the God damn Hunch Back of Notre Dame, tripping on a rug, spilling wine on my shirt or totally fumbling over what to order. The “actor” taking my order regards me coldly because clearly, he’s above this line of work.

hunch back

I Feel Old

Whether it be great genes (hate you btw) or the work of doctors and drugs, I feel like my skin looks like Benjamin Button’s in Los Angeles:

Benjamin Button

I Feel Huge on the West Coast

I’m seriously considering a toothbrush routine from now until April 9th. I kid, I kid, but seriously, I am starting to eat differently and make an effort to get more steps in. Fetus steps, remember?

Anyway, I want to throat punch all of the size 0 women out there. “Miraculously”, their bodies know to direct all fat to their boobs. They are absolute stripper poles with size DD boobs.

“So Cristal, tell me more about your all natural life-style you’re following and how you don’t put chemicals in your body.”


Here’s how I feel, sitting next to the likes of Cristal (which I’m sure her last name is something stupid like Diamond):

600 pound life

I Feel Dumpy

Last time I visited L.A. I was 100% into fashion. Now I’ve fallen back on classic pieces, stopped shopping constantly and guess what? I actually have money between paychecks! Anyway, if I felt out-of-place then, imagine what I’ll feel like now? Wait, don’t imagine, here is how I’m going to feel:


Really they don’t deserve their faces hidden because they aren’t supposed to have their pictures taken so really they’re wrong, I’m right.

So, right or wrong, that is how I feel. Don’t get me wrong, we are going to have a blast and now that I’m a bit older, I might not be as concerned. In fact, I might show some sympathy, purchase a few cheeseburgers and hand them out to any models I come across.











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