6 Reasons the Baby Years Can Suck It

baby years

I am a mom of 2 boys (9 and almost 13). Parenting has become so much easier. Occasionally however, I come across a mom (I have yet to have a father ever say this) who I’d like to refer to as batshit crazy. Why? Because they say dumb things like this:

“Don’t you just miss the baby years?”

French GirlsNope. Not at all. Not ever.

Parenting a newborn is on par with serving time in a North Korean labor camp. Don’t get me wrong, babies are beyond cute, look at the meme I found on Pinterest, for cryin’ out loud! I will be the first to hold a baby that the new mom brings into work. I love when I can get babies to smile and I love when they snuggle. I love when they clap their hands out of sheer joy.

But these are just minutes, surrounded by the rest of the time. That is why I would like to tell you why older kids are sooo much better.

Diapers

The average baby goes through 70 diapers a week and that baby sure as shit (no pun intended) isn’t the one changing them. And with the diaper comes along the onesie or what I like to refer to as, Satan’s garment. Normally on any given night, your baby has not only pissed through the diaper but also the onesie. At 2 a.m., you must wrestle (in the dark) with a squirmy infant to not only remove the onesie, but to change the diaper.

Use Your Words

Babies can’t tell you they are hot, cold, hungry or tired, they just file every complaint under scream worthy and get to work. Not a very effective approach but who am I to judge. On more than one occasion, I would find myself whining to my sons,

“I don’t know what you want! I’ll give you $500 if you’ll tell me what you want!”

Who Needs a Rooster?

Who needs a rooster or an alarm clock when you have a child under 6? There would be weekends that P would get me up at 6:30 a.m. and I would be his toy for the rest of the day. Now he sleeps in on the weekends till 10:30. I once had a mom say to me, “Yeah, but you’ll miss it though when they sleep in.”

I’m sorry Karen, did I say I was a farmer? No, I didn’t. I’ll take 10:30 over 6:30 any day. 

And even though the youngest gets up early, he is 100% self-sufficient. Hell, he could probably go out into the woods, shoot a deer, lug it back to the house and fry it up, all before 9 a.m.

I Have My Living Room Back

Once on maternity leave, I went upstairs in an attempt to sleep for a few hours while my mother-in-law watched my newborn. When I shuffled back into the living room wearing my oversized robe, I nearly fell down at the transformation. She had taken the liberty to set up all the baby gear. Within just 1.5 hours, she somehow managed to add the following:

  • a pack and play
  • a swing
  • a bouncy chair
  • a floor mobile
  • a boppie (see French girl above for a boppie)

In shock that my living room resembled a daycare, I looked over to the t.v. to find a Baby Einstein puppet, taunting me by flapping about, singing a song. In my mind, fluffy ducky was singing the following,

“Jokes on you! La, la, la, la! I own you! La, la, la, la! Kiss your living room goodbye cause it’s mine, la, la, la, la!”

Diaper Bag

baby travel systemThat fucking diaper bag (shaking my head). That thing had to have like 2 bottles, a change of clothes, wipes, countless diapers, antibacterial, a changing pad, I mean the list went on and on. And shopping with a baby? I always felt like I was part of a caravan, traveling over the Sahara with 10 camels in front and 10 in back. Apparently, they call these things a “Baby Travel System”, like the baby is piloting the Starship Enterprise or something.

Sense of Humor

My sons are quickly cultivating a wonderful sense of humor. Some of the things they say and do leave me bent over in laughter. Don’t believe me? Check out my 12-year-olds guest post: Guest Post- Hot Mess’s Son- Mrs. Smith I can also read my blog posts with minor adjustments to language to them to gauge whether or not it’s funny enough. They love when I announce it’s story time.

Honestly, I have about 20 additional reasons why the baby years can suck it but want to keep this post around 750 words. How do you feel about this? Do you agree?

 

 

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