Family · Kids · Parenting · Pop Culture

I Do Math Good

It is no secret, I suck at math. Like really, really, bad. In college, I took each math class twice since I would inevitably fail the first one. To this day, I have nightmares because I just gave up, stopped attending a class and failed (which happened). I also have nightmares that I am missing a credit or two and won’t graduate. These dreams are so real that occasionally I question if my degree is legit or not.

Alas, my degree is real and I am a buyer. I love when I interview for a position and they are like, “I know this role seems glamorous but it all comes down to numbers and analysis of demand.” When HR says this, here is what I hear in my head:

‘Fake it till you make it bitch.’

I’ll pretend I like math.

So today a vendor emailed me the following:

We are currently in the process of creating cases of the labels. That being said, there will be 20 roles in a case.

Now, originally I knew that each roll cost $10. I however, responded back with the following:

Please confirm that the new case cost will be $100.

She responded back:

There will be 20 rolls per a case so the case cost will be $200.

I then responded back:

What is wrong with me? How can I be that bad at math? You are correct. Obviously, math is not my strong point.

Later That Day

My 12-year-old came to me and announced, “how pointless is this math?”

“Lemme see it.” I asked.

“He produced a sheet of college rule paper with the following hieroglyphics:

horrible math

I looked up at him, then at my husband, then to my 9-year-old in disbelief.

“What is this?” I asked deadpan.

P went over each line and here is what I heard in my head:

‘wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha.’

The Italian usage of hands kicked in and I began to give my hand speech about why this sucked.

“Look, letters need to stay with letters,” I said as I dramatically used my hands to show that letters were in one bucket. “And numbers need to stay with numbers,” I said as I dramatically threw my hands down in another bucket.

“Yeah, we’re never going to use this,” my son chimed in.

“I know! And I bet if I asked you what an APR is, you’d have no idea.”

“Yeah, what is an APR?” He asked.

“Exactly!” I responded.

Look folks, I admmittingly tapped out of 2nd grade math. I’m not above posting my son’s math problems on Twitter, only to get a troll to explain the answer then insult me for my lack of knowledge.

But what I’m saying is, why are we teaching these useless, stupid problems to our kids? Sure, it’s super helpful for the future engineers or brain surgeons but my son is probably going to be an international soccer celebrity (j/k). Regardless, we need to be teaching them about APR, interest and late fees so when they are offered a free frisbee in exchange for a credit card application, they know well enough to run the other way.

This is 2018. Why the fuck are we teaching our kids like it is still the 20th century? Let’s remove this senseless math and teach them coding, the stock market, bit coin. It’s a new world. As a child, I typed shit up (yes, that’s how I said it as a 9-year-old Catholic girl) on a type writer. We didn’t have internet till 1999 when dial-up became an option. My middle sister, best friend and I sat mesmerized in front of the computer our parents had installed in the dining room, with a person that went by “ivory tower” when we chatted.

I still don’t even know what ivory tower means. Is it like a white dick? I don’t know.


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15 thoughts on “I Do Math Good

  1. I’m nodding so hard at this I spilt the chilli sauce off my cheese on toast all down my arm and over the sofa. Yes, yes and yes. I think you should run for office!

    1. OH NO!! I am so sorry you spilled your chilis sauce on your arm and sofa. Did the stain come out? I think I should run for office too but I don’t want to kiss any snotty babies while on the campaign trail. 🙂

      1. Bleugh! Children are like farts, you can just about stand your own – I don’t blame you! Maybe you could get your campaign staff to set you up with some nice dogs?

      2. Oh the sofa is fine – it’s leather, it washes off. As for the jumper, it is 30 years old, at this stage anything further just builds its character 😆

  2. I miss math like that, but I’m an engineer’s daughter… I see your point, but I think something can be said for challenging kids with learning things they are uncomfortable with and for some, that’s math. But I agree they should throw in more in terms of real world math. I know in my old high school, there was a business class offered as an elective that taught basic business jargon and principles. I wonder if some schools have gone as far as including a finance class- though I loathed finance in college. That was the worst class for me in terms of hating the subject and almost failing (I got a D for my final grade).

    1. I failed statistics (which I consider a math class) then squeaked by a 2nd time with a D. I agree, it does challenge them but then they forget it b/c they never use it. I’m so glad you liked math. I wanted nothing to do with it!

  3. Oh god this is so funny! I can only imagine your face looking at your child’s maths. To be honest I’m not great at Maths that’s why I become and engineer lol
    I think you’re right in many ways we need to be teaching our kids practical meaningful Maths, but for those that can get it the academic Maths is still needed.
    Have a good weekend! 🙂

    1. Thank you Simon! Wow, you must be a total math whiz if you are an engineer. Everything I struggle with, you could probably do in your sleep. Am I right?

      1. I’m no maths wizz, I’m better than I was at school and I can work out some things. That’s all engineering is really, working things out.

  4. I SUCK at math! So so so so so much. 1st is in 8th grade and I have to text my brother or ask one of the Chinese students to help us and they are like “oo this is like grade 4 math” and I’m like “shut up and just explain it” lol 2nd hates math just like me so we complain and struggle together.

    1. I’ve gone as far as posting problems on Twitter. Then the math whiz/internet troll comes along, solves it in seconds and asks why I found that hard. Anyway, I’m glad I’m not the only one. You’ll have to agree, it sucks when you have to help kids with math when you not only suck at it but hate it too!

  5. I don’t math. My mom was an economics and statistics professor and I don’t math. As they say, the cobblers children have no shoes. Thanks for throwing truths in with the laughs. You’re amazing!

    1. Ah Micki, you are so kind. Thank you! It’s so true. My father owned a restaurant and was a great cook- I hate to cook. God, that must have been torture to have a mother with that kind of knowledge and you found nothing enjoyable about any of it!

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