Family · Kids · Parenting

Monday Night at the Hot Mess House

Chichi enjoys torturing me by staring at my face until I pick her up and place her on the sofa, only to jump back down minutes later. We repeat this cycle no less than 8-10 times per an hour. For those of you that don’t know, I have a 106 year old Chihuahua named Chichi. If there was a nuclear war, there will be 3 things left on this Earth, cockroaches, rats and Chichi.

After dinner, my husband and sons sat on the sofa while I sat on a side chair, ready to bust each other’s balls about who’s better at solving Wheel of Fortune puzzles.

“I bet when Vanna retires she’s gonna just let herself go. I mean seriously, get fat, wear sweats and t-shirts all day long.”

My family ignored me as Vanna and Pat walk out on to the stage.

“They’re not using walkers? They’ve gotta be like, 100 years old.” I said shocked and bothered that they were still able to walk out on their own. The show began and the typical contestant introductions began.

“So Dale, who do you have here with you tonight?” Pat asks.

“Well Pat, my beautiful wife of 49 years, Judy,” Dale says, beaming at his wife in the audience. Judy beams back.

“Well that’s just great. Paul, who did you bring along?” Pat asks, turning now to the gentleman on his right.

“My gorgeous wife Stefanie. And our twin daughters Katelyn and Lauren are home tonight, cheering daddy on.”

“Well that’s just sweet. Christina,” Pat says, now facing the woman in the middle. “Who do you have in the audience cheering you on?”

This is the point in time my brain turns into my own television and I begin to laugh hysterically. My family all turn simultaneously to stare at me, wondering what’s so funny. In my head, Christina does the exact opposite of what every single contestant in the entire history of Wheel of Fortune has ever done. She leans over the wheel, smoking a cigarette, ready to give her family bio to Pat.

“Well Pat, unfortunately I had to bring that ass hole with me.” She says while pointing to a fat slob in the audience. The camera zooms in on the man as he picks his teeth.

“And with a little luck,” she says taking a long drag on her cigarette, “I’ll win that trip to Acapulco and have a week’s vacation away from that turd.”

By now, I see Chichi sauntering over to my husband then suddenly I hear “THUD”.

Chichi is so old that she literally fell off the couch. We all look at each other like “what the fuck?”

Like the dignified lady she is, Chichi regains her composure and walks away. She looks up at me like,

“What the hell are you lookin’ at? Haven’t you seen an old lady fall off a couch before? Theres nothin’ to see here. Keep movin’.”

Though we were worried about her well-being, after she left the room and seemed to be fine, we laughed so hard we almost cried. My 8-year-old began to fall off the couch, imitating Chichi. I looked around to see if I could find something to drop to duplicate the thud but decided dropping my phone would not be in my best interest.

Happy Tuesday all!

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