We are home after a grueling 4.5 hour drive from outside of Detroit to Columbus. Normally it should have taken 3.5 hours but thanks to Mother Nature, I can now put this trip in the top 5 worst driving experiences. We were there for 2 soccer games. Yes we had to drive a combined total of 7 hours for 2 f’ing soccer games.
I’ve always imagined Mother Nature to look like the raisin lady. And maybe that is what Sun-Maid was going for but since being a child if I ever mentioned Mother Nature, this is the image that popped up in my head.
But I grew up and Mother Nature did too. When the weather is beautiful, she looks like the young woman on the little red box. When it sucks, I picture her as a crotchety old lady. She’s fat, her long skirt is dirty and she still keeps her hair long though it’s grey and she has a ton of wrinkles.
Tonight I pictured Mother Nature in the crapper (that’s the restroom if America is the only one that calls the restroom the crapper when trying to be crass). She turned around to face away from her toilet, gathered up her long dirty skirt and took a gigantic shit on my entire drive home. Sorry but that is the only way I can describe it.
The Drive Up
When my husband drives for an extended distance and we use the GPS (Waze), he sees the GPS’s ETA as a goal to beat and the speed limit on the screen as a mere suggestion. I don’t think we’ve ever arrived either on or after the GPS’s ETA. Sure, he drives like a bat out of hell but we get there fast. When he drove yesterday, we left at 8 a.m. Conditions were absolutely optimal. No traffic, no rain and we had day light. In all, he shaved 13 minutes off the original time.
The Drive Home
It was my turn to drive home and it began to rain before we set out at exactly 2:32 P.M from the outskirts of Detroit. The GPS said we would arrive home at 6:06. To understand what I drove through I would like to show you the below map (the red is roughly our route).
Note that I just took this screen shot so the red/orange/annihilation that is to the far right was directly over us the ENTIRE WAY HOME!
“I would say I drew the short straw, but I don’t think I even drew a straw.” I said to my husband who was comfortably lounging in the passenger seat, streaming a soccer game. I wanted to ask him if he would like a cocktail or a cup of warmed cashews.
Then the torrential down pour began so I put my hazards on and slowed down to 45. Because 80% of roads in Ohio are under construction (that’s my estimate, it could be higher or lower), often times we found ourselves between narrow, concrete barriers or up against orange barrels. This added to my anxiety three-fold.
But It Gets Worse
I’m driving like a 90-year-old, hunched over, attempting to see the car in front of me. I keep pressing the wind shield wiper control down but it won’t go any faster. Occasionally we would hydroplane which would scare the shit out of me. I looked over to flooded fields, questioning if we would be that family that is swept away in a flash flood. I couldn’t see well enough to see if some of the places we passed were indeed fields or lakes. The sky lit up every few minutes with brilliant lightning and I searched my brain for protocol if the car was hit by lightning.
I thought about saying screw it and announce we were going to stay in a cheap motel but when the cheapest motel was the B&J Motel, I decided to keep going. My guess is it got it’s initials by what occurs in rooms such as these.
I only knew about this place ahead of time when we were contemplating driving half way Friday night.
We were on hour 3 of the drive. “If you say anything about my speed, I will cut you.” I said to my husband. Normally when I drive he makes a comment and tonight was not going to be it. It was dark and we almost hit Columbus but Mother Nature was like,
“You know what? Let’s throw some fog in!”
After torrential downpour, total darkness, lightening, thunder, ridiculous road construction and fog, we made it home. Almost 2 hours later as I type, it’s still raining, thundering and lightening heavily.
Well played Mother Nature….well played.