Candy Nazi

Last night was beggar’s night for us. My youngest went as a shock trooper…..with a buckeye hat on. My oldest went as some creepy thing with a white mask. After kids in the neighborhood began to mistake him as a mime, I think he somewhat regretted his decision.

HalloweenWe covered 260 houses at break neck speeds. Trick-or-Treat is 2 hours long and we were finished in just 1 hour and 3 minutes. I didn’t look at my Fitbit but I’m guessing I clocked 1,000,000 steps. I was happy we were done in such as short amount of time as I really do enjoy handing out candy.

My sister and her boyfriend came over as Halloween isn’t Halloween without them. She was handing out candy when I came up. We gave each other hugs then I sat down. The first kid came up.

“Go ahead and take a few pieces,” S said.

I looked at her as if she had just offered to pour the entire bowl of candy into the kids bag.

“Or just one,” I added. The kid looked confused.

“You have a million,” she whispered to me. “Go ahead honey, take 2.”

“Do you know I spent $60 on all that candy,” I protested.

“What are you going to do with that candy?”

“Eat it,” I said confidently. “We will eat all of it.”

Adults Trick-Or-Treating?

After S decided to go in and get warmed up, I had full control of the candy. A grandmother wearing a gigantic pink bow on her head and a tutu walked up with a young girl. Oddly, I noticed she had a bag with her.

‘Please tell me she isn’t trick-or-treating,’ I thought.

And sure as shit she says, “trick-or-treat” and takes a piece of candy. I was so speechless I didn’t have time to react. But she wasn’t the only adult. Not even in a costume, a guy walks up, doesn’t even say trick-or-treat, grabs a piece of candy and says “thanks.” I look at the candy, look at him and nod, baffled.

I’m In Control Now

A chunky teen with a boy’s haircut, wearing a white shirt and a pink tutu (there were tutus everywhere for some reason) walked by for a second time. You could tell her moral compass was being questioned as she debated to double dip at my house. She had already gotten candy from me and she wasn’t getting another piece. In the end, she decided to try but I shut that shit down before she even made it to the steps.

“Nope, you’ve been here already,” I yelled at her. “Go on now! Go get candy somewhere else.”

She did a “oh shucks” move, grinned and walked on. Not in my house.

“Did you just turn a kid away?” My sister asked as she walked back out.

“She was double dipping,” I protested.

Like Mother, Like Son

Now my 8-year-old had come out to help with the candy while S and I watched from the warmth of the house. C  had a different strategy. He picked up the gigantic cauldron of candy swung it behind him, took out a handful of candy and placed it on the first concrete step.  As children came up to trick-or-treat, he had both hands on his hips standing there like a super villain as the children knelt down before him to grab their candy.  If children tried to take more than one piece I would see him lift a finger and tell them to take only one.

“He is definitely your son.” My sister said.

“I know….I know,” I said proudly.



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