A How To Guide On Playing Football


As I completely miss the soccer ball my 8-year-old kicks to me, I’m reminded of how little to no experience I have with any sport what so ever. Every skill these boys got is from my soccer extraordinaire husband. With the exception of soccer (which I do find tedious if it’s not the Crew or my sons playing), I hate watching every sport, especially football.

As I was brainstorming, I came across a wonderful post of 50 things to blog about when you have writer’s block. #12 was a special little nugget as I am always looking for ways to be self-depreciating. This would be the perfect topic! And so, I give you how to play football. And for my English readers, I’m talking American football but stick with me and you’ll go places.

How to Play Football

Step 1- The Uniform

I love fashion so we really need to go with this first. Put on really, really, really tight pants…like really tight. But make sure you wear a thong so you don’t have panty lines. I’m talking to you guys too! If you don’t have a thong, just go commando. Next, instead of using socks to stuff your package or bra, stuff them in your shirt arms to protect them. Grab a sharpie and draw a line under each eye. I don’t know what this is for. Perhaps their mascara is running? I don’t know. Put on a helmet, a hip sack thingy and a dorky arm thing that is a cheat sheet.

Step 2- The Field

Ok, get a field and ensure there are white lines on it. I think it starts at 20 and goes in increments of 10 till you get to the 80 yard line. You must have a goal post on each side with nets to catch the ball. Cheerleaders are annoying so they aren’t needed, ok? Moving on……

Step 3- The Rules

Everyone bends down like knuckle draggers and faces each other. There’s like 10-ish players on each side. One player yells “hike, hike, hike” before throwing the ball backwards (I would totally hit my vajaja on accident). I think they throw it to the quarterback then he wastes everyone’s time by throwing it back in the exact same direction it came from. If you catch the ball, you run as fast as you can to the other end. If someone tackles you, your screwed and I think you stop at that line and do the same damn thing again….again….and again.

Step 4- How to Win

If you are lucky enough to catch the ball and run all the way to that grassy, green area, you slam the ball down and do a stupid dance. You get 7 points. Then as a congratulation, you get to attempt to kick the ball again through the goal and if you do, you get a another point.

There are 4 quarters that are supposed to be 25 minutes each. In reality, each quarter is roughly an hour a piece because they stop the damn clock for EVERYTHING! Need a potty break…stop the clock. Need a Gatorade break…..stop the clock. Need to tap teammates on the ass? You guessed it- stop the clock.

Step 5- The End

And when all the stars align and baby Jesus has finally granted your wish, the game is over. You get an 8 gallon drum of Gatorade and pour it on your coach’s head who will then suffer from hypothermia.

And that’s it! You know how to play football now! Come back tomorrow for a step by step guide on how to perform brain surgery.


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