Over the past week when I actually walked my Chihuahua in lieu of letting her roam free with the mindset ‘if it were meant to be, she’ll come back’, I began to gather inspiration for this post. And the inspiration was tacky as fuck neighbors who really need to ask themselves, ‘is this really a good idea?’.
Now, because I love my new British friends/bloggers, I need to hear from you especially! I need to know if the below disasters are global or just part of “Merica” and WT (that’s chavs for you guys).
Neighbor Faux Pas
We still fuckin’ see them! No matter if they are delicate little icicles encompassing the perimeter of your porch, we still fucking see them in July. If you are not prepared to take the decorations down, DON’T PUT THEM UP!
Soccer Sideline Chairs
These are for tailgating, sports or parade watching. These aren’t meant to adorn your front porch. I once saw a porch that added decorative pillows to these chairs and a pretty candle on a little table next to them. Loose the chairs! Adding a decorative pillow does not qualify your porch for Home & Garden magazine.
You’ve seen these kind. These neighbors add beautiful brick walls, exotic plants from Bangladesh and a fish pond to their front yard. 5 months later, though they still live there, the place looks like a crack house because they refuse to keep up on the landscaping they installed. I treat my landscaping like I do the number of children I have, I don’t sign up for more than I can handle. This is why my front yard is groomed but nothing extra because I know I will let any flowers die.
Ridiculous Lawn Ornaments
We have this neighbor at the front of our development that has 2 lawn ornaments a life-size replica of a turtle which I plan to steal and take pictures with at some point and a 6′ nut cracker. The nut cracker is on a whole other level of crazy. Not only does it tower over you but they place it in the middle of the stairs to get to the front door as if it’s protecting them. How do we know it’s the Christmas season? Mr. and Mrs. Crazy have retired the turtle and placed the nut cracker on the stairs.
After you pass Mr. and Mrs. Crazy’s street, turn right and you come upon an area where when guests come over, they bring their own accommodations. By accommodations, I don’t mean an air mattress. They bring a gigantic RV, complete with pop out sides for space. Maybe that worked in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation but don’t bring it to my neighborhood. These RV’s are then parked from anywhere from a day to a week in the street. You are left weaving in and out, fearful little Rubie Sue is going to run out in front of you.
If trash comes on Wednesday, don’t put your nasty-ass sofa on the curb because “someone will take it”. That’s not happening. Even the curmudgeons that pick through our trash wouldn’t take that sofa. My favorite is when these people didn’t call the trash company ahead of time to schedule this pick up and after trash day, the damn sofa is still there! This isn’t a college campus. We don’t live on frat row where it’s acceptable to have lazy boys on the porch. Don’t put indoor furniture outdoors.
So those are my primary rants. I have a few others but I’ll leave these be. Now again, I need to hear from you guys what neighbor faux pas you’ve witnessed. This list could be endless I’m sure!