White Trash On The 4th of July


As Americans, we are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain. And to all my lovely British friends, please no offense. It wasn’t you, it was totally us. We needed our space and you were being all clingy and stuff 200 years ago. But like old lovers that become friends 20 years later, now we are BFF’s.

This morning, I was reminded of our “neighbors” we have had over the years when watching fireworks. Complete hayseeds, obnoxious and annoying. I don’t care if any of those words are the same, they are needed to describe this type of steerage.

Now before you  get the idea that I’m some sort of snot, I’m not. I know rich white trash and middle-class white trash people. White trash (in my book) is more about lacking the ability to have class, personal grooming and respect for others. As I tell my boys: money does not buy class or talent. This is a hard pill for them to swallow, especially when we are probably the poorest on my son’s old team and his new team will make us seem like begging paupers. There was a kid on his last team that had a rock climbing wall and tennis court…..in his basement. Were talking CEO’s, doctors, old money, new money…whatever. Do Pokemon cards count as currency?

Famous White Trash Folks

Here is a brief list of famous WT people that I can only deduce, have sold their souls to the devil in exchange for fame or money:

  • Brittany Spears
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Snooki
  • Mama June
  • Kim Kardashian (strike this, all Kardashians minus their children, they may take a turn for the classy, IDK)
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Coco Austin
  • Kendra Wilkinson

It’s so funny because I had writers block after Lindsay Lohan then found a list of similar topic and surprisingly, almost everyone I had mentioned, was on there.  Here is the list. I think it’s hilarious that the president and Hillary Clinton made the list. I find it amusing Hugh Hefner is #100, meaning he has more class than both the president and Hillary (according to this list but I respectively disagree considering Hugh has no problem having 3 women join in him in bed. If you add up their ages, you still wouldn’t get to his age of 91).

What I Have To Look Forward To This Evening

So back on tonight’s events. We go to a little park about 8 miles from our home. Below is a brief synopsis of what will be flanking each side of our blanket this evening. I’m willing to bet my Chihuahua that this is spot on what will happen.

Each family will include a grandmother (teeth optional) with greasy, gray long hair, swept up on one side with a barrette she acquired from Woolworth’s in 1965. She usually has 2-4 derelict children. The boy will be dumber than door nail, pairing something camo with his sleeveless Budweiser shirt and a tattoo on his calf. He will inevitably light his fingers on fire, attempting to recreate a video he saw on YouTube and “thought it to be awesome”.

pooh bear                                                                                                                                                                              The daughters will be screaming lunatics. One usually is wearing a Pooh bear shirt that looks like this. Though it fit great in 1999, it barely covers in 2017. Everyone has a cigarette in their hands, at all times. Hell, the baby drinking mountain dew from a sippy cup has a cigarette in her hand. The girls are ALWAYS yelling at their kids for for all the wrong reasons,

“I said Diet Mountain Dew, God damn it!”

When the children are running on to other people’s blankets or pulling hypodermic needles out of the trashcan, this behavior is ignored by super moms 1 and 2.

This leads me to the kids. Jesus, the kids. There’s always that one kid who just stands and stares at you for 3 minutes, occasionally inserting a finger into their nose. It’s like they’ve never seen an adult not holding a cigarette and a Dr. Pepper at the same time. Yes, yes I am going to hell. These children are reprimanded with screams and cursing up until the fireworks start. The kids are focused for 3 minutes, loose interest then begin their traditional taunting of my family. Screaming for no reason, running into your area, spilling shit that splashes onto your blanket. Lolita and Tanqueray pretend they don’t have children and it’s up to you to subtly reprimand their kids. I say subtle because if they catch wind of you reprimanding their boos, they go ape shit, as if you were trying to spank them.

So, we will see how tonight pans out. I’m going to get pictures to prove the above. That is, contingent upon me not risking my life for them. It’s all so ridiculous!


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