Things I’ve Never Learned To Do

I've never learned to roller skate

As the summer is upon us, I got to thinking about the pool and the many ways I’ll choose to avoid it this year. It’s a process applying SPF 70 (literally, that is what I slather on my body) every hour. Trimming pubs to only find you missed a stray pub yelling up at you “nah, nah,nah, boo, boo….you missed me ass hole!” And lastly, the bugs and the heat. No spank you.

It also got me thinking how I’ve never learned to dive. Then it got me thinking about all the other life skills I have yet to learn. A few I may want to learn but really, I don’t care to and that is what AAA is for. So below is my list of skills I’ve never learned.

Things I’ve Never Learned To Do

Diving

When I dive, it is on par with a 4-year-old diving and I look RIDICULOUS. It’s actually painful to watch. I jet my hands out over my head, placing one hand over the other, arch my back and for what seems like an eternity, stand in this pose, determined that this will be the time I glide gracefully into the pool. Instead, I look like an ice-cube being dropped into the water- rigid and without mercy. I plunge in quickly acknowledging the pain then forgetting it as I release one side of my bathing suit from my ass crack and make sure my top is still on. I come up with what looks like Mike Tyson’s tattoo on my face. Instead, it’s from smacking my face hard in the water. As I look over, people are gliding beautifully into the pool, almost taunting me. Ass holes.

Taxes

I’ve never learned taxes. From grades k-12 and even in college, I have yet to find a basic class to teach you how to do your personal taxes. Like basic hygiene, I’m guessing the government expects your parents to teach you? My parents couldn’t even have the sex talk with me. What makes you think they are going to give me a tutorial on how to do my taxes? It’s really embarrassing when I start a new job and I’m forced to fill out a W-XYZ (I don’t know what it’s called).  And I’m like “I have 2 kids and a husband, do I put a one for each?” The next question from the HR rep is, “well does your husband claim them?” My next move is to be charming and say, “only when they are well-behaved.” We both laugh and then I put a 2, praying I didn’t just sign away 50% of all my earnings for the next year. I don’t know how this shit works!

Roller Skating

I wish I knew how to roller skate because it seems like great cardio but man it hurts like a mo-fo when you fall on your ass! I was always invited to roller skating parties and I would go. The music would start and I would hesitantly get out on the rink and spastically begin to “go”. The problem was, I didn’t know how to stop. I look over and people are going under the limbo stick with their roller skates, one couple is holding hands while gliding around a corner like fucking Michelle Kwan and Scott Hamilton and I can’t even stop. Eventually, I do what any self-respecting 10-year-old does and run straight into a wall. This has the effect I did not want as I am bounced off the wall, onto my ass. By now there are 5 skaters who can’t get around me in time and pile on top of me. I take a skate to my face and have a lump the size of Mars on my forehead for my 4th grade pictures.

Changing a Tire

I’m going to be real here, I don’t want to learn. There, I said it. I would rather sit in my car in the middle of nowhere, withering (dieting) away from lack of food than get out and change a tire. It looks dirty, heavy and hard and I want no part of it. My neighbor builds car engines, has fixed my breaks along with 50 other car procedures and he struggles to change my tire. On what planet does anyone think I could change my own tire. Like my landscaping, I know what I’m capable of and it’s not this.

I’m sure there are a million other things I don’t know how to do, these just came to mind over the past few days. What don’t you know how to do?

Share the laughs with friends!

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