As the summer is upon us, I got to thinking about the pool and the many ways I’ll choose to avoid it this year. It’s a process applying SPF 70 (literally, that is what I slather on my body) every hour. Trimming pubs to only find you missed a stray pub yelling up at you “nah, nah,nah, boo, boo….you missed me ass hole!” And lastly, the bugs and the heat. No spank you.
It also got me thinking how I’ve never learned to dive. Then it got me thinking about all the other life skills I have yet to learn. A few I may want to learn but really, I don’t care to and that is what AAA is for. So below is my list of skills I’ve never learned.
Things I’ve Never Learned To Do
When I dive, it is on par with a 4-year-old diving and I look RIDICULOUS. It’s actually painful to watch. I jet my hands out over my head, placing one hand over the other, arch my back and for what seems like an eternity, stand in this pose, determined that this will be the time I glide gracefully into the pool. Instead, I look like an ice-cube being dropped into the water- rigid and without mercy. I plunge in quickly acknowledging the pain then forgetting it as I release one side of my bathing suit from my ass crack and make sure my top is still on. I come up with what looks like Mike Tyson’s tattoo on my face. Instead, it’s from smacking my face hard in the water. As I look over, people are gliding beautifully into the pool, almost taunting me. Ass holes.
I’ve never learned taxes. From grades k-12 and even in college, I have yet to find a basic class to teach you how to do your personal taxes. Like basic hygiene, I’m guessing the government expects your parents to teach you? My parents couldn’t even have the sex talk with me. What makes you think they are going to give me a tutorial on how to do my taxes? It’s really embarrassing when I start a new job and I’m forced to fill out a W-XYZ (I don’t know what it’s called). And I’m like “I have 2 kids and a husband, do I put a one for each?” The next question from the HR rep is, “well does your husband claim them?” My next move is to be charming and say, “only when they are well-behaved.” We both laugh and then I put a 2, praying I didn’t just sign away 50% of all my earnings for the next year. I don’t know how this shit works!
I wish I knew how to roller skate because it seems like great cardio but man it hurts like a mo-fo when you fall on your ass! I was always invited to roller skating parties and I would go. The music would start and I would hesitantly get out on the rink and spastically begin to “go”. The problem was, I didn’t know how to stop. I look over and people are going under the limbo stick with their roller skates, one couple is holding hands while gliding around a corner like fucking Michelle Kwan and Scott Hamilton and I can’t even stop. Eventually, I do what any self-respecting 10-year-old does and run straight into a wall. This has the effect I did not want as I am bounced off the wall, onto my ass. By now there are 5 skaters who can’t get around me in time and pile on top of me. I take a skate to my face and have a lump the size of Mars on my forehead for my 4th grade pictures.
Changing a Tire
I’m going to be real here, I don’t want to learn. There, I said it. I would rather sit in my car in the middle of nowhere, withering (dieting) away from lack of food than get out and change a tire. It looks dirty, heavy and hard and I want no part of it. My neighbor builds car engines, has fixed my breaks along with 50 other car procedures and he struggles to change my tire. On what planet does anyone think I could change my own tire. Like my landscaping, I know what I’m capable of and it’s not this.
I’m sure there are a million other things I don’t know how to do, these just came to mind over the past few days. What don’t you know how to do?
I have yet to perfect the cat eye eyeliner trick…. that’s about it. 🙂
oh me either! I usually end up looking like a whore.
That’s a pretty short list…I’m loathe to post mine…lol
Oh c’mon, post!! Mine is short, trying to keep the post around 750. I have a million other things…like properly cooking pork.
there’s a right way to cook pork???
There is plenty I haven’t done, but it might be a fun little post…care if I link yours when I do mine?
Yes, it’s called anyway where I’m not cooking it way. LOL! I would love for you to link to mine! Lemme know when you post!
I’ll do that…I just need to brainstorm some ideas…I mean, I got a kazillion of them…lol
Okay, I posted. And I linked to your article and page…you have probably already received the notice to approve or not…lol
I did receive a notice. Thank you for linking!!!!
I might be able to still roller skate. I was pretty good at that back in the day. As for the other stuff, I’m with you. Also, I can’t drive a stick and I can’t do a cartwheel. I’m really bitter about the cartwheel.
Oh shit balls, I totally forgot about the cartwheel! I can’t either! That may be an addendum to this post. I’m bitter too!
I can change a tire! My dad forced me to learn before he would let me drive his car when I was a teenager haha. And then I had a mini re-education when my brother and I rotated all the tires on my car one summer.
I do my own taxes but I don’t have anything complicated to fill out.
I hate the pool – I don’t even own a bathing suit. Can’t dive, can’t roller skate either. I used to figure skate but destroyed my ankle when I was younger so can’t do that anymore.
I also can’t do cat eyeliner, a cartwheel, or drive a stick shift.
Well I know who to call when I’m at the side of the road! Good for you!
Lol you would probably actually die of hanger before I would get to you lol
Oh yeah…your right….I probably would. LOL!!
I wasn’t allowed to get my license until I learned how to change a tire 🙁 I’m also in the no diving club! I can swim to save myself but it won’t look pretty…. I wish I had learned to properly sew! I can hem pants and sew my pointe shoes and small things like that, but I wish I had learned to truly sew.
Ok, I actually can sew. I’ve sewn shirts, dresses, shorts, drapes, etc. but havent in like a year. I kinda miss it. It’s not too late to learn! Do you have Joann fabrics around you? Also little mom/pop shops have classes, that is what I did.
I relate to this SO much. I can roller skate– and went to a really fun adult roller skating party a couple years ago! However, I am with you on the others. I cannot even pretend to dive because I might kill myself in the process; I also cross my fingers and hope for the best when I am filling out paperwork– that really should be something you learn in high school! And, nope, no idea about how to change a tire. Don’t tell my dad, though– or my husband for that matter, because they’ll yell at me!
I just learned how to put air in my tires. What makes my husband think I could change a tire? Am I right?!?!
Taxes!! Hate then. What Do they MEAN!!? ?
I hate them too! No idea what any of this means!!
OMG it’s like we are the same person. I dive like you, I skate like you. I have never changed a tire in my life. I have a husband, two sons and a cellphone, so I never plan on changing one. I have done my own taxes, thanks to TurboTax, they give you step by step instructions.
That’s hilarious!! And for the taxes thing, I think I’ve screwed that up in the past as I begin to overthink it. Before you know it, I’m claiming half of America as my children.