Hot Mess Goes To The Water Park- Part 1

water park

As I have told many of you, my now 12-year-old son decided on a water park as opposed to a birthday party. Even though I thought I was getting off easy, this trip would prove not only over priced but draining. Completely draining.

We made the 2.25 hour journey to Sandusky, Ohio to Kalahari Water Park. Everyone was excited and chatty. After a rather uneventful drive up to what looked like a compound on drugs, I gave my husband the impossible task of finding a parking place while I go check in.

As I walked in, my first instinct was to turn around and run away. There were kids running around with no parental guidance. 3 kids with chocolate all over their mouths, were just standing outside of the Candy Hut, waiting for the sugar rush to kick in. Some inbred looking character that I couldn’t tell was a lion or a beaver was dancing around, hugging kids and skipping like the pedophile you know he was because “he’s found home”.

I decided to stick it out. To my right were stairs leading to the check in desks. All 10 of them were under thatched  roofs while the front were made of faux bamboo. Hotel employees wore khakis as if they were on safari with the exception of what I’m guessing was the manager who was in a suit.

I was prepared to do my sandwich trick and began to scope out my prey. A quick overview of the sandwich trick (sorry to my loyal followers who have heard this a million times!): you put $10-$20 between your credit card and drivers license when checking in. You have to be shameless and say the following: “I would like to tip you $20 if you can find me a complimentary upgrade to ________”. You must research what rooms are still available for your stay and name what you want. I have a 100% success rate.

Let’s see, I had the rule nazi in front of me, she would shut me down in a second. I looked over to my left and there was the timid newbie who “wouldn’t want to get in trouble”. Just then I noticed some commotion, a few spots ahead of me. I cocked my head to the right to see what the fuss was. A black gentleman had a towel tied around his calve, soaked in blood. Blood began to drip on the carpet. The only times I see this much blood is when I give blood or birth. His wife helped him over to a chair while he left a wake of blood on the carpet. By now, the resort medics had arrived to assist him.

“Well at least we got to move up faster in the line,” a hayseed behind me said. I looked at her like she had 2 heads. This man was obviously hurt yet her main concern was getting her fat ass on a slide. I would later realize this type of behavior was on par for most of the patrons.

Sandwich Trick

Long story short, the sandwich trick worked! Before the sandwich trick, we were going to have :

  • 2 queen beds
  • bathroom
  • mini fridge
  • microwave
  • 4 wrist bands

After a $20 sandwich trick, here is what we scored:

  • 2 bedrooms (1 with a whirlpool tub)
  • 2 bathrooms
  • living room
  • fireplace
  • 2 balconies
  • full kitchen, completely stocked
  • 5 wristbands
  • 3 televisions
  • 5 person round table

So that was check in. Part 2 will include a human toilet bowl I didn’t do well in, an exposed tampon string and skanks. Bye!




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