The day I got engaged to my husband was the day I began dreaming of registering for my wedding. I couldn’t wait to hit stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and Macy’s to register for my fine china, informal china, cutlery and everything in between. I had this fairy tale idea in my head that we would be “entertaining” all the time. Our home would have friends over all the time and I would just love, love, love cooking and feeding them. At multiple times in the evening I would announce, “I just love entertaining!”
First of all, where the fuck did all this “entertaining” come from? What am I? Vegas? Am I a Geisha, with my sole job to make sure everyone that enters my home has had enough sake and laying on large pillows on the floor, discussing politics? I don’t think so.
Now that I look back on registry’s I almost fall off my chair in laughter. The things listed are so ridiculous that stores say you need. I mean, are you kidding me? I get that there are 1-2 people out there that genuinely have a hobby of making home made bread and that’s adorable but for the rest of us that aren’t Amish, a bread maker simply isn’t necessary. Here are some of the things that to this day are suggested you register for that are ridiculous:
Dutch oven: I still to this day don’t know what a dutch oven is in the normal sense. All I know of a dutch oven is when you are under the covers and your significant other farts. Now that is a dutch oven.
White vs red wine glasses: look, when you are 40 and you are making 50% of what you told yourself you would be making when you hit 40, anything becomes a cup: plastic cup, bowl, your hands. Besides, wine glasses NEVER get clean. Seriously my form of wine transport is a 6 ounce, disposable glass. So register for 6 ounce disposable glasses.
Bread maker: Are we Amish? No we aren’t and even if we were they wouldn’t have some giant contraption sitting on their counter where you pour pre-mixed everything in to make bread. Just get your bread from Kroger or Giant Eagle. Sure your house would smell great with fresh baked bread but that’s what wall flowers are for.
A juicer: Do we all not have jobs? I finding peeling an orange takes too long let along squeezing the juice of 10. Don’t even bring that shit to me. A juicer, hilarious!
12 chargers: do you guys even know what chargers are? I’m not talking the things you charge your phone or tablet with. They are a plate for the plate. That’s right, a plate for the plate. They simply make the plate look more fancy. And don’t think you’ll get away with not cleaning them because the minute you begin to “entertain”, you’ll have some ass hole drop everything on the plate’s plate. It’s so stupid and useless.
8 sets of formal china: you aren’t the queen of England.
A rice cooker: Again, do these people have jobs? I know 1 person that has a rice cooker and she gets a free pass. Why? Because her family has a Chinese restaurant, she is in fact Chinese and genuinely uses it all the time. She didn’t buy it because some stupid registry said your house will collapse if you don’t.
Other ridiculous things I found on the Target Wedding registry:
- A security system
- Fitness trackers
- A fire pit
- A bar cart
- Smart home gadgets
- A tent
- A printer
- Exercise equipment
- A gaming console
Does anyone see a pattern here? Essentially they want you to buy their shit. I mean, a printer? Really? How would the card go with that gift?
“As you build a loving, long, lasting relationship together, enjoy this Epson printer. Ink cartridge code is E-140C.”