Tips On How To Cheat Your Diet


I eat horribly. I LOVE to eat. Thankfully due to 2 medicines I take, my eyes are often bigger than my tummy, leaving me with a small appetite…sometimes. Let’s take Saturday for instance. If you are on Weight Watchers, look away as you won’t be able to unsee what I’m about to list:

Here Is What I Ate

  • A 20 oz homemade vanilla latte
  • 3/4 of a 12″ Subway steak & cheese sub. They are only $6 for a limited time so I have to take advantage.
  • A Subway chocolate chip cookie
  • 1/2 coke with vanilla flavoring
  • 3 bottles of water
  • Medium McDonalds fry
  • 7 ketchup packets (I have it down to a science. This allows the perfect ketchup/fry ratio)
  • 1 grilled chicken ranch snack wrap from McDonalds (extra lettuce and cheese)
  • 1/3 of my son’s shamrock shake
  • 1 starburst
  • 3 glasses of wine

I think my “healthy eating” I vowed to keep, lasted one Monday. When I’m on a diet or eating what the experts state is the recommend calorie intake (which btw, isn’t enough to sustain a toddler), I am FUCKING HUNGRY! Animal instinct kicks in and the only thing I think about during the day is A. my next meal and B. where I can get food. Food consumes my every thought. FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! I don’t know about you but being hungry is painful. I have never fallen asleep hungry. If I’m hungry, I eat.


De’Nile….Not Just a River in Africa

Here are a few things I’ve done in the past when dieting or trying to eat better that are borderline delusional. I know this is bad but De’ Nile ain’t just a river in Africa. You feel me?

1.When I make my son’s peanut butter jelly sandwiches, I would “accidentally” scoop too much peanut butter with the knife and oh darn, would have to lick it off. This accident would probably be the equivalent of 2 tablespoons.

2. I’m a size 8! This is something I tell myself often. What the real story is, is that my low-rise, skinny jeans are a size 8. After I jump into them 3-4 times and secure the button that is about to pop off, my muffin top hangs over. To counter this, I wear a flowy shirt.

3. When I used Weight Watchers I was told that many activities were counted as workouts, even if they weren’t normally classified as exercise. These workouts equaled points and points equaled food. It wasn’t unusual to find me typing in activities like ironing, cleaning, or sex. Sadly, only cleaning garnered a point.

4. Again on Weight Watchers, I would “forget” to log stuff, especially condiments. I really felt these shouldn’t count since they were so small and to me, so insignificant. I mean, you can’t have fries without ketchup and I’m not going to drink black coffee. What am I? 80? I would think things to myself like:

                   Ketchup is a point? But I use 7 packets on every fry!

                   International Delights are 2 points? Seriously?

                  Olive oil is 3? Now this is getting personal! 

5. When exercising I would “break” for probably double the amount of time one is allowed to break.

In Closing…….

I know I need to eat better and my days are numbered of eating like this but food is so good. Why does it have to do bad things to our bodies when we indulge. Don’t answer that, I’m just being whiny. I think I’ll go get some cheese to go with that wine.

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