Turned 40 Today & Everyone Is Dying!

I am a prankster, especially on April Fools. I enjoy a great joke, love to watch Comedians and LOVE funny people. Now I don’t know if the Grim Reaper & Mother Nature are buddies, having drinks at Chili’s after work, discussing their “crazy day”. Maybe one read my blog and shared it with the other. Maybe they even want to get in on this funny business and they are doing so in the only way they know how, by fucking everything up but they need to stop NOW!

At this point, I’m ready to put Betty White, Mick Jagger & Elton John in a luxury bomb shelter. Something tells me by the time they emerge, Betty would be pregnant and we all know who the father is. But that’s beside the point.

So tonight I have learned that Debbie Reynolds has now died, one day after her daughter. Can’t blame her. And before that, the talented George Michael, Alan Thicke and John Glenn. The queen of England I heard is sick too.

Then the irony sets in. Spoiler alert-Vikings. I was excited that I was finishing my birthday with one of my favorite shows, AND IT WAS NEW- Vikings! Oh my God, awesome! What would the main character-Ragnar, do tonight? Conquer England? France? Screw another shield maiden? Discover his 23rd child? No, gentle reader. THEY FUCKING KILLED RAGNAR OFF! Killed him on MY BIRTHDAY!!! When I saw that things were quickly going South, I pleaded with History channel on Twitter: OMG pls don’t kill Ragnar on my birthday.

Did they listen? No?

No, they gave me a “fuck you” and killed him off in the worst way and with my greatest phobia. Like, don’t visit the zoo, because of this phobia, kind of phobia. He was dropped into a pit of poisonous snakes! I almost need to talk to a professional at this point.

So as you might imagine, my 40th is off to an AMAZING start. I vividly remember my father’s 40th birthday and I am feeling drastically inadequate this evening. At his 40th birthday, he challenged a few young bucks to outdo him with push-ups. He won easily, having worked out all the time. I did 6 last night, drunk, and thought I would die. His 40th birthday was held at his 2nd restaurant because he was an entrepreneur. I am not remotely close to that sort of freedom and it kills me.

But I can’t think like that- what I’m trying to accomplish. Like my boobs, I’m a late bloomer. I just need to understand that that is ok. That kills me, but I am o.k. I didn’t discover I may be good at writing till Spring of last year with my pre-cancer thing and unemployment. It was always, ‘HM’s forte is fashion and shopping’ and ‘HM can tell me what is hot this Fall.’

You know what? I couldn’t tell you ANYTHING about what is hot this season. And you know what? I am soooo o.k. with it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wearing hip sacks and mom jeans. I’m just wearing classic basics and I am totally fine, but I digress. My passion is writing.

So yeah, who the hell knows what is going to happen to me, famous icons or ANYTHING in the next year. Not that I am asking for much but here is what I am shooting for in 2017:

  • A book deal with what I have wrote thus far.
  • Ripped beyond belief. Like, very minimal air brushing for my cover shoots.
  • Take my sons on dream vacations for all the vacations we haven’t gone on.
  • All the Botox and Restylane my ‘wittle heart could desire.

Vein I know but you know what? I promised to be honest with you guys and there is no judgement here on my blog. If you tell me that you secretly want to wake up in a bowl of chocolate everyday with a hot pool boy feeding it to you, go right ahead. Me loves you!!!!


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