The “I Look Like Ass” Sales Pitch


Ok, everyone put your imagination caps on. The below is a direct result of my dilemma today. I want you to envision those cliche, AS SEEN ON TV ads as you read my sales pitch….

Voice over:

What do you do when your out of coffee in the morning and wake up looking like a 100 year old crack addict? 

You could run to Starbucks looking that way but let’s face it, that will be the day every employee and patron is hotter than hell.

Gone 5 days without washing your hair? Do you realize dry shampoo is no longer an option and you would have to wash your hair and style it, just to go through the drive-thru? That takes too long ladies! 

INTRODUCING…..I Look Like Ass Coffee Delivery! Just go online to, order your handcrafted beverage and pay for it. Thirty minutes later your coffee will be at your door. But wait, that’s not all! Once your carefully selected, I Look Like Ass driver arrives, open the door just 3 inches and stick your hand through the space. He or she will gently place a brown paper bag in your hand. Place the 100% recyclable bag over your head. Don’t worry about eye holes! At I Look Like Ass, we’ve thought of everything and already cut eye holes out for ease of usage. So take a deep breath and open the door with confidence to your double venti mocha frappa linguine latte! No one is going to know how rough you look. 

The I Look Like Ass brown paper bag is great for your morning coffee delivery when:

Hiding runny mascara and disappointment after a walk of shame.

If you look like the before, of a ProActiv commercial.

If you have death breath after an evening at the local Japanese Steak House.

And ugly children aren’t a problem as the I Look Like Ass brown bags are now available in children sizes from preemie to teen as well as husky and plus-size. 

Don’t forget to download the I Look Like Ass App! It’s free and doesn’t require a profile picture. Log on today and we’ll include our new I Look Like Ass FML plastic bag. Makes a great holiday gift!!!! Try it today! 

Yep, that is just one of many things that goes through my head at any given point. I had no milk for my latte, hadn’t washed my hair in 2 days and was trying to figure out how to get a latte without having to go get a latte or doing anything to better my appearance as it was Saturday morning. 





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