As my 7/11 year old become older (no, I didn’t birth a convenience store), their adorable lil’ chick or lil’ midget Yoda look, is being replaced with:
Yes, this is actually my oldest’s costume this year. It’s freaking me out, it looks real and I really feel he’s going to gain a complex tomorrow when little children run in the opposite direction.
So today was my 7 year old’s Harvest Party. They no longer call it Halloween for the 1 bible beater in the school that finds offense with Halloween. I missed last year’s Halloween party because I was working for Lucifer and playing cowgirl . I vowed I would be at this one and nothing was going to stop me. I felt I had done my duty and reached out way in advance to secure my spot for the party. WRONG! Because my son’s elementary school is a building probably built in 1523, it has a parking lot on par for the amount of cars that needed to be parked back then. Additionally, due to stupid building codes, only 4 parents per a class of 25 were allowed to help. Regardless, below is the e-mail I sent and the sticky sweet “sorry” I received in return:
I found this e-mail simply adorable as there was no way in hell I would be missing this party. She may think she is part of the momanatti, but I’m the leader and I don’t appreciate her tone. I think she really missed the point here. I didn’t want to donate stupid pencils or gummy boogers, I needed to be AT the party.
Long story short and surprisingly, a 5th spot was added after a brief discussion with the teacher. Upon arrival today, I was met by a husky big guy, blocking passage via his lunch table.
“You the bouncer?” I asked as serious as a Jersey Shore reality character.
“Yeah, that’s me.” He said, somewhat stressed. You could tell he was ready for the week to be over.
I signed my name on the sign in sheet, received a visitor badge and was on my way. Once in the room, I immediately asked Mrs. L what I could do to help. I was pointed to J, the woman in the above e-mail. Essentially, I was to be her bitch.
J is the type of woman that exclaims at least once a day “I just love being a mom” when in reality her motivation isn’t her children, but a good ole’ fashion pissing match. She won’t drive a minivan because she loves it, she’ll drive it because she’s a better mom than you. She’s the type of mom that will invent a 1 hour scavenger hunt for her kids to find that stupid elf on the shelf, every day, all day, Thanksgiving to Christmas eve. She stays up till midnight, recreating adorable Pinterest crafts all to be the belle of the ball because what she made “is so creative!” I HAAATTTTEEEE moms like this. Here are my favorite moms: Travel Soccer= Booze Fest.
J was perfectly coiffed and of course shes a better mom than me because I don’t have an ounce of Halloween paraphernalia on. J however somehow found black tights with pumpkins all over them, little pumpkin earrings and an obnoxious pumpkin necklace. Tres chic J!
For paybacks of going over her head to the teacher, J gave me potentially the worse job available. J had created this Halloween store:
Essentially, each kid played 2 games, added the points then came to the store and cashed in. Today sealed the deal as to why I have never been the person to work the prize counter at a Dave & Busters or a Chuck E. Cheese. I would literally slit my wrists if that was my job.
Suddenly these kids became simpletons.
“I just took a prize from the 5 point bucket. How much do I have left from my 20 points?”
“Your in this gifted class right?
“Then figure it out.”
The WORST kids were the grabby kids. I fucking can’t stand kids that grab.
“That bucket is 2 max, remember?” I would say.
“But I just won that game over there.”
“I don’t care. We have 3 more groups rotating this station. We have to give them options too.” I would annoyed.
Then out of no where, J pipes up, “Wait….it just registered…..are you C’s mom?” J asked in the middle of a Pokemon Trainer picking out his prizes.
“Yup,” I responded, making sure I didn’t make eye contact.
Suddenly her demeanor completely changed to a school girl chasing a boy band.
“Oh my God! Kaleigh has such a big crush on C. It’s like her and Ava fighting over him everyday! That is all I hear about. Kaleigh even wrote an adorable little note to him, asking if he liked her or Ava. Did C tell you about this?”
“No, not at all”, I say in all honestly. I was too busy telling this stupid kid the 5 point bucket is a 2 max policy! Do I have to scream it?
“You’ll have to ask him about it. So funny!” She said in annoying, WASP’y like behavior.
“Yes, I totally will,” I lie-respond.
10 minutes later, I look over to find J chatting with Mrs. L. secretively while occasionally nodding over in my direction. Gee, that’s not obvious. What an ass hole. I’m sure I wasn’t “working” the Halloween store the way J wanted and was bitching about it to the teacher. What J doesn’t know is the teach and I am tight. She taught my older son P and we are on a level of me asking her how she is not an alcoholic with this job. I decided to get my “fuck you” revenge on J at the end and even do so rather sweetly.
At 2:45 the kids were free to go home. I gathered up C’s belongings and headed to the door. Just as I was about to pass over the threshold, I turned around and walked back over to J. I pretended to hesitate for a moment then said,
“By the way, C chose Ava over Kaleigh. Have a great weekend!”