I Am a Horrible Storyteller


I am a horrible storyteller. There I said it. I have 2 unpublished books, working on a third, LOVE blogging and yet I cannot tell a story to save my life. It’ so frustrating.

But let me clarify what I mean. I cannot tell a story verbally. When I have something juicy or unbelievable that happened over the weekend, I am excited and have to tell co-workers or friends STAT! Yes, one should wait till it’s the right time or place but let’s be real. Who has time for that? I want them to hear my story now and find complete fascination in its content. I want them to have a burning desire to retell it later to family at dinner or to friends, drinking a cold one.

Instead, my story telling is on par with a 5-year-old running home to tell mommy that they got student of the month. I can’t get the words out fast enough. I am such a moron when I tell a story, leaving out the most important punchline or kicker then back pedal, trying to redeem myself.

Additionally, I am always worried that I come across as long-winded. I HATE long-winded people and go to great measures to ensure I am not that person.

“If you don’t have time, I totally understand.” I’ll say, as if my story comes with a warning.

Having this imaginary stopwatch playing in my head while trying to simultaneously tell a story thus cheapens the feel of it, causing me to abbreviate parts that really would have given context.

People that can tell stories verbally, no, let me rephrase this. People who can verbally tell interesting and humorous stories, that don’t leave 5 people glazed over, wondering what’s for dinner, are truly gifted. They know what background to give at the start, they know all the details to include and lastly, they know when to deliver the punchline.  I am SO ENVIOUS of these people.

The Gifted Storyteller

I have a co-worker who is truly gifted at this. Her stories are so good I am tempted to divulge this blog to her just so I can get her to tell some of her stories here. Only she can tell the story of how she was stripper for 1 night and actually owed money at the end of the gig. You can’t make this shit up. She is one of the funniest, dirty-minded people I’ve ever met and I LOVE listening to her stories. I think I’ve maybe said that 2 other times in my life. And she is quick-witted too. She can take any topic and turn it into a punchline. I told her she is in the wrong field (customer service) and that she really needs to hit up open mic at the Funny Bone.

I will leave you with this thought I had earlier today, thinking about this post. Before writing and before books, we had great storytellers. These people were considered wise and held high honor, telling the community their history, thus passing it down from generation to generation. If I were put in this position now, I would be taken into the amazon while a group of 4 teen boys dug a 6′ hole. I would then be lowered into the hole, covered with dirt and blessed by the Shaman. All because of my sub-par storytelling capabilities.


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