Family · Parenting · Ridiculousness

The Birds & Bees Talk With My Son

You know how when you have something really scary planned and you’re accepting of it, up until it’s actually here?

“Fuck, I signed up to jump out of a plane?”


“Oh snap, I’m getting induced tomorrow?”


“Jesus, my son is going into middle school. I had pregnant classmates in middle school!”

It’s almost like I’m having a middle school crisis. My son is going to be exposed to so many knuckle draggers who may offer him a cigarette or worse. He may be at a party and…..dear God, I just had a flash back of the only middle school party I was invited to. One of the popular girls was coming out of a tent that was oddly placed inside a basement. She was covered in hickeys.

Oh my God…oh my God….flipping out right now….

O.k., I’ve poured a glass of wine, taken a deep breath and focused on this topic- the sex talk. Whenever I have something awkward to talk about with my sons, it often resembles the dad in American Pie, babbling, running off into tangents, stumbling over words. I’ve come to the conclusion, I just need to practice and ensure I have at least 1 lorazepam for the occasion.

A Perfect Example

A few nights ago we were watching a cooking show P loves. Usually during the contestants’ back stories, I can get through the awkward ones because they use medical terminology or keep it really vague. On this particular night, a husky gentleman with noticeable stubble began his monologue:

“I was born a woman.”

Diarrhea of my mouth followed next.

“Born a man? Whhhaaattt?” I blurted out. “Now that’s just crazy talk. No really! I’m just as surprised as you.”

I completely acted like an idiot. After a minute, I tried to redeem myself. P is in the gifted class. He’s going to skip 6th gifted math, 7th grade math and land in 7th grade gifted math. He can put 2 and 2 together.

I sighed.

“O.k. look, some people don’t feel they were born the right gender. Science is amazing and can turn a man into a woman and a woman into a man if they want.”

There I said it. I was not taught how to have this conversation and I did the best I could. I will teach my kids to love everyone and to keep an open mind.

So now on to sex. Here are the points I want to cover. Please tell me what you think. If I completely suck at this, TELL ME. Give me ideas! I am all ears. Better yet, do you wanna come over and just give the talk for me cause I’m totally cool with that. If you don’t live in Ohio, we can Skype. I’ll just sit there and nod as if you are Matt Foley talking about living in a van down by the river.

Bullet Points To Talk About With Son

  1. Sex is when a man places his penis in…oh my God, I don’t think I can do this. I can’t go through the logistics here. Let’s skip this one for now. Or maybe I will quiz him on what they taught him in a class they had earlier this year where permission slips were required. I can’t even type this shit out! How am I going to verbalize it? Maybe I could draw it and say, “this (point to dick, I mean penis) goes here (point to pussy, I mean vagina), baby made. I legit just sounded like a cave woman, didn’t I?
  2. Don’t have sex in middle school. Some of your friends might and that is WAY to early. Ideally I would want you to wait till you are married but then you would just be like a 40 year virgin and….never mind. For extra credit, don’t have sex in high school either. Just don’t have sex unless you’ve dated them for at least 2 years and really love them. If your just comfortable with them, that’s love or lust gone wrong but we’ll get to that in high school. Do you see what a wreck I am with this conversation?
  3. Oh my God, I don’t have a 3rd bullet point. Do I talk about protection? STD’s? The consequences of getting a girl pregnant?

I want to tell him that sex is with someone you love very much (obviously we do not need to discuss 1 night stands) and is kinda’ the ultimate way to show someone you love them. I don’t want to tell him this however because I could totally see him (any child really) thinking they love someone but in reality it’s just a crush.

Do you see why I am struggling with the conversation? Can I write him an e-mail instead? Maybe text the above points in several texts? Can I outsource the sex talk?


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16 thoughts on “The Birds & Bees Talk With My Son

  1. I think my talk with my 11yo is going to consist of “You’re too young, don’t do it, but if you do, cover it up or you’ll catch a disease and die.” There. Problem solved. ;D

  2. Still no comment area- sorry Hun.

    My suggestion😄…. And it’s going to be long… Tell him first that you are just as awkward at this as he is. It’s hard to have this conversation, but first and foremost he’s smart, and he can take facts and make good decisions, because that’s the kid you raised him to be. Then say- we are going to start with the science stuff. Be factual because it’s easier to compartmentalize and not think about it being your kid.

    I don’t know how much Ohio covers in health class or gym? But my schools covered the basics because it also has to do with physical health. And they did sex ed by bringing in med students- so they were young people we never had to see again- we could ask anything and they talked about the emotional and science stuff.

    Two gonads, a penis or a vagina, and when you’re sexually attracted to a person, your body reacts. This is fact for men and women. Men and women might be attracted to men, or women, or both, and that’s ok. For teens, sometimes their hormones aren’t totally set, so their hormones react to things even if they actually aren’t attracted to something. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong, it means your body’s trying to figure shit out. All these things are ok. To be honest, being a teen is the worst. You want everything, you feel like a grown up, and me- your mom, is having serious trouble not seeing you as a person with a good brain, I want you to stay 6 forever. But that’s not real.

    So. Now we talk about lots of weird things. To me your six. But really you probably know or see more of this than I want to admit. Porn. Types of sex- technical terms and colloquialisms. Giving You the info means you can make decisions. Better than you being misinformed or knowing nothing and running to google it and getting bad info.

    Having sex can have a lot of consequences, so even though I can’t deny its fun, I want you to be careful, think things through, and know you can always talk to me, or tell me if you need something. If you do, but you feel like you can’t talk to me, because moms are weird- there’s tons of good places you can get information. Planned parenthood and other health promoting sex websites will have good answers.

    There’s lots of types of sex. You will likely do stuff with your girlfriend that isn’t full sex, but feels good. There’s lots of terms for things. Sex and these other things are still big decisions. I’m going to say a few things. They may sound familiar. I will tell you what they are. Again- keep in mind I am just as mortified as you, but I trust you and if I arm you with good information, you can make good decisions because that’s the kid I raised.

    Orgasm- this is when your body reaches climax- mega good feeling, men usually ejaculate. Women also sometimes release discharge.

    Ejaculate – produced at orgasm. contains sperm. When having sex, your body may release some ejaculate before orgasm. This is why “pulling out” after sex is not acceptable birth control. You need a condom.

    Cum- this is another term for ejaculate. Aka Jiz.

    Cumming- another term for orgasming

    Jack off- this is masturbation- touching privates to make someone orgasm. Usually refers to a guy.

    Hand job. This is when someone uses their hand to make (usually) a guy orgasm.

    Blow job- this is when someone uses their mouth to satisfy a man sexually by putting their penis in their mouth. Oral sex

    Going down- this is when someone uses their mouth to satisfy a woman sexually by licking her sexual parts. Oral sex

    Giving head or head: oral sex, male or female.

    Mutual masturbation- a form of touching your partner (usually) so they orgasm or feel good, without penetrative sex. This is one of the safest forms of exploration for teens. It can also be done with clothes on.

    Heavy petting: using body parts (hands) to stimulate arousal by touching private parts and other parts- groin, breasts, and everywhere in between- and intense kissing.

    Foreplay: heavy petting with the intent of leading to sex. If you are attracted to women it’s important to understand that foreplay is very important to helping a woman reach orgasming. Generally in order to climax, foreplay should occur for around 30 minutes before sex. This will help a woman be most capable of full enjoyment. As a male, who generally are very capable of climaxing quickly, you should realize that your attention to this will serve you well in your sexual adventures.

    Motor boating: putting your face in someone’s breasts and blowing raspberries.

    Grinding- another term for heavy petting where people make out and rub against each other with similar motions of sex, but this is usually while still fully clothed.

    Sex positions: there’s a ton. Just know there’s lots of ways to move and change and none are dirty, or wrong, and it’s about getting both people to pleasure.

    69- when a couple both give each other head at the same time- they end up being in the shape of a 69.

    Missionary: when one partner lays flat, and the other lays on top for intercourse

    Reverse cowgirl- when a woman faces away from mans head and straddles partner.

    Doggy style- woman is on all fours and man enters her vagina from behind.

    Threesome- when 3 people have sex together. This doesn’t usually go great in young relationships- people’s feelings get hurt. I’m just trying to be open.

    Anal sex: when sexual stimulation is performed focusing on the anus. This is a type of sex. It is not “gay” it is not wrong. It also isn’t a rookie sexual act, so leave this alone for awhile. But I’m trying to be open.

    Toys- you can get lots of things which can be added to sex- vibrating things, rings to go around the penis, special heating or cooling lubricants.

    The list goes on. You’ll hear all sorts of stuff. You can ask me about it.

    What really makes sex pleasurable is you and your partner enjoying yourself. Being physically and emotionally ready. Being supportive of each other.

    If you choose to have sex, you need to always use condoms. Always. They go on your penis and even then, you are at risk of getting several diseases that condoms don’t prevent transmission of. But they keep out the worst. You should use condoms for sex, and blow jobs. If you need condoms- I will get them for you, put it on the grocery list or tell me, whatever. I can barely talk abou this, I can’t handle a grand kid. I would rather you have the right protection sooner than I want you to, than you knock up your partner or get a disease. So just like drugs and alcohol- you can always tell me, I won’t always be happy if it’s not smart, but if that’s something that is going to happen, I want to help you be as safe as possible.

    Condoms – I would suggest finding a YouTube about opening and using them. Yep. Watch a video.
    -don’t store in your wallet.
    -don’t rip open with teeth- push to the other side of the pack and rip open gently.
    -pinch the tip of the condom so you keep space for the cum. If you don’t, splash out could happen and you can end up with a baby.
    -discuss what to do when a condom breaks- morning after pill etc.
    – condoms may be your primary birth control and STD block, but you should always be using a second- the pill, spermicide, etc.

    Everyone is going to see porn. It’s 2/3 of the Internet so I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist. Please don’t watch porn or look at porn and assume that it is how real sexual interaction happens. Don’t watch it to see how to treat women in your life. In fact, studies show that young teens who watch porn and start having that expectation for their sex life are not only less satisfied with their sexual life growing up, but they also end up unable to satisfy their partners as thoroughly. There’s some science for you.

    A lot of kids mess around with a lot of stuff, early. This is not wrong, but it’s also not something you have to do. You need to have boundaries. You need to respect other boundaries. If you and a girl are at a party and everyone is playing some sort of kissing game, and end up in a cupboard both terrified, it’s perfectly acceptable to say “we can just pretend to make out and talk about which Pokemon go characters you have been chasing”. And then she can tell everyone you were sweet and soft, and you tell everyone she had strawberry lip gloss. It’s also ok to kiss that person if you want to. It’s part of growing up. But anytime someone doesn’t want to do soemthing, it has to stop. The boundary is no. No stops the ride and everyone gets off.

    Realistically, you’re probably not going to deal with sex soon. You are more likely to get pushed to kiss someone or hold hands or have notes back and forth. You might get to some over the shirt action. Again- all of this will be new, feel good, and is ok.

    In all honesty, just getting it all out there, telling him without making him ask questions – that may be the best way to show him you know it’s awkward. But that’s my 2 cents.

    1. Do you have any idea what you have done here? You have given me a game plan/script and I am forever in your debt! I mean, holy shit! Have you thought about posting this comment as a post? I can’t be the only mother on Earth at a loss on how to have this talk. You should totally post this comment! I am literally going to print this off and highlight the topics I want to discuss for the first round then the second then the third. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

      1. Oh wow. I am really happy you thought it was ok. i don’t really know that my blog would be the place for it, so I think it will live in eternity as a comment here- if you wanted to post it as whatever you edit it to, that’s totally cool. I basically said what I experienced and or what kind of got covered in my classes. My parents are pretty religious so abstinence is the talk- but really that cannot be the only discussion.

        1. Well you laid out just about every topic and give some pointers so you are a wise individual and for that I thank you! I just thought it was too good to be just a comment considering all the parents out in the world that are probably struggling with his exact same issue. We have no text book. It seems like half the people that give advice on how to talk to your children about sex don’t even have children.

    2. Okay I just want to print that out!!! It is like the perfect script… Sex Talk for Dummies kind of thing… Amazing!!!

  3. Well… I think you’re doing great so far. My sex talk with my kids started at the zoo… Yes, the zoo. Why? Because as we were looking at the giraffes, the male giraffe decided to literally jump on top of the female. I would have played it off… But the giraffe’s super large PENIS was out for all to see. What else could I do??? I explained the mechanics of it and explained that they were in love and trying to make a baby… And related that to why people have sex. And I know that was very vague and leaves out a whole lot of other reasons and doesn’t go into the same sex relationship thing.. Although we talk openly about that as well.. But for a sex talk at the zoo with my 9&10 year old, I thought that was enough for one day.
    Now where is that glass of wine? Lol

    Marcy 🙂

    1. You had me at giraffe’s super large penis. Though I’ve never seen a giraffe penis, I am finding it hard to unsee that in my head. I am traumatized now. Well, I guess the zoo is better than saying you had the sex talk in a bar or something, right? 😉

    1. Yeah, thought about that route too but I am concerned about the terminology he would use, what he wouldn’t cover just to get the conversation over with.
      I would ask him what they talked about and his response would probably be “some things” or “I told him not to have sex.”

      1. I think making both parents aware of the script, or the plan. So he can reinforce. Or he can be quiet cop- he knows the message and asks a few days later- hey- bud, are you ok with what you and your mom talked about? If you want to talk, I’m available” Whatever. Something like that. Ohhhhh- the other thing that would be good is to watch the YouTube on TEA- the consent video is amazing. Makes it very clear.

        Watch “Tea and Consent” on Vimeo:


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