The Birds & Bees Talk With My Son

The birds and bees

You know how when you have something really scary planned and you’re accepting of it, up until it’s actually here?

“Fuck, I signed up to jump out of a plane?”


“Oh snap, I’m getting induced tomorrow?”


“Jesus, my son is going into middle school. I had pregnant classmates in middle school!”

It’s almost like I’m having a middle school crisis. My son is going to be exposed to so many knuckle draggers who may offer him a cigarette or worse. He may be at a party and…..dear God, I just had a flash back of the only middle school party I was invited to. One of the popular girls was coming out of a tent that was oddly placed inside a basement. She was covered in hickeys.

Oh my God…oh my God….flipping out right now….

O.k., I’ve poured a glass of wine, taken a deep breath and focused on this topic- the sex talk. Whenever I have something awkward to talk about with my sons, it often resembles the dad in American Pie, babbling, running off into tangents, stumbling over words. I’ve come to the conclusion, I just need to practice and ensure I have at least 1 lorazepam for the occasion.

A Perfect Example

A few nights ago we were watching a cooking show P loves. Usually during the contestants’ back stories, I can get through the awkward ones because they use medical terminology or keep it really vague. On this particular night, a husky gentleman with noticeable stubble began his monologue:

“I was born a woman.”

Diarrhea of my mouth followed next.

“Born a man? Whhhaaattt?” I blurted out. “Now that’s just crazy talk. No really! I’m just as surprised as you.”

I completely acted like an idiot. After a minute, I tried to redeem myself. P is in the gifted class. He’s going to skip 6th gifted math, 7th grade math and land in 7th grade gifted math. He can put 2 and 2 together.

I sighed.

“O.k. look, some people don’t feel they were born the right gender. Science is amazing and can turn a man into a woman and a woman into a man if they want.”

There I said it. I was not taught how to have this conversation and I did the best I could. I will teach my kids to love everyone and to keep an open mind.

So now on to sex. Here are the points I want to cover. Please tell me what you think. If I completely suck at this, TELL ME. Give me ideas! I am all ears. Better yet, do you wanna come over and just give the talk for me cause I’m totally cool with that. If you don’t live in Ohio, we can Skype. I’ll just sit there and nod as if you are Matt Foley talking about living in a van down by the river.

Bullet Points To Talk About With Son

  1. Sex is when a man places his penis in…oh my God, I don’t think I can do this. I can’t go through the logistics here. Let’s skip this one for now. Or maybe I will quiz him on what they taught him in a class they had earlier this year where permission slips were required. I can’t even type this shit out! How am I going to verbalize it? Maybe I could draw it and say, “this (point to dick, I mean penis) goes here (point to pussy, I mean vagina), baby made. I legit just sounded like a cave woman, didn’t I?
  2. Don’t have sex in middle school. Some of your friends might and that is WAY to early. Ideally I would want you to wait till you are married but then you would just be like a 40 year virgin and….never mind. For extra credit, don’t have sex in high school either. Just don’t have sex unless you’ve dated them for at least 2 years and really love them. If your just comfortable with them, that’s love or lust gone wrong but we’ll get to that in high school. Do you see what a wreck I am with this conversation?
  3. Oh my God, I don’t have a 3rd bullet point. Do I talk about protection? STD’s? The consequences of getting a girl pregnant?

I want to tell him that sex is with someone you love very much (obviously we do not need to discuss 1 night stands) and is kinda’ the ultimate way to show someone you love them. I don’t want to tell him this however because I could totally see him (any child really) thinking they love someone but in reality it’s just a crush.

Do you see why I am struggling with the conversation? Can I write him an e-mail instead? Maybe text the above points in several texts? Can I outsource the sex talk?



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