I am on my way to the pool right now to meet up with my family. I would like to calmly walk you through my story of why I am going to the pool and my adult meltdown. I have come to the realization that I absolutely hate the pool and I’m not afraid to admit it.
First, what baffles me is when I hear people, including my husband say things like, “It’s going to be 90 degrees, how are we going to keep cool today?”
This isn’t Little House on the Prairie. Pa’ ain’t fetchin’ us water from the waterin’ hole to keep us cool this weekend. We don’t have to walk 3 miles to a river to strip down to our pantaloons and chemise to wade through the water. It’s 2016 and we have this really cool technology called central air. If you even have a fan at your disposal or a way to get to a mall, theater or McDonald’s, you should NEVER ask this question.
But instead many people, again including my husband, see only 1 solution to this heatwave and that is to go sit in the heatwave next to a pool. Yes, because this makes sense.
Going to the pool to combat 90 degree weather in lieu of staying in the air conditioning is the equivalent of somebody hand-writing a letter to somebody in lieu of shooting a quick email. It just doesn’t make sense. Now as a child I get it, it’s fun and you make hundreds of memories. Then you happen to grow up and realize, this really sucks. I don’t have my mom grabbing me a juice box or a snack or lathering me down in sunblock.
And full disclosure, I’m not a nature girl. Never have been, never will. I don’t like nature or anything about it. I like to see it, looking out a window, but I don’t want to deal with it. Being at a pool means you will be outside most of the time.
The other thing is everybody sees everything on your body and more than likely everybody are not hot swimsuit models, myself included. You have cellulite, wrinkles, spider veins and everything you attempt to cover up at all times such as moles. This shit is now exposed.
There is really no way to look good or even human at the pool. I realize this and there is not much I can do about it. Basically you have to attempt to look good with absolutely no makeup and your hair completely matted to your head. My hair is naturally curly depending on the location on my scalp, oh and it’s course too. This is super awesome as it dries faster in some places making me look like a rejected Chia Pet. I even have the green hair because of the chlorine.
Earlier, while preparing for this wonderful event, I had used 3 different razors to ensure all pubs would be extracted. It was time for the hair on my head now. Since I knew my hair was going to look like ass, I attempted a whimsical messy bun. The bun never works for me despite my attempts. Instead, most of my hairs are all hanging out and I look like I have a gigantic Cheerio glued on my head. After about 4 to 5 minutes, I screamed, “fuck it” and threw the nylon cheerio across the room to land on the floor, under the headboard; an impossible place to reach anything. I have now lost my bun opportunity. Realizing what I had done I began to scream, “I HATE THE POOL!” and “THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THE POOL!”
So how about you? Am I the only one that hates the pool? Part 2 is a list of why I hate the pool. Wow, I am really sounding negative here, just cranky because of THE POOL!