Various Hot Messes of The Day

I know all of you read my blog for the sheer wisdom, guidance and inspiration; especially yesterday’s deep post: I’m Getting Botox!!!. But alas, sometimes the random things are worth sharing too.

We decided to cancel our man maid for the summer, he just doesn’t know it yet. You may call me an ass hole now. Between the cost of a nanny and everything the nanny wants to do with the boys, I can cut costs by nagging my family to chip in but in reality I ask them to dust an end table then go out and play so I can do it all and do it all right. Wow, I am really sounding like an ass hole tonight. I just told him not to come tomorrow b/c my oldest P, is sick.

After making a dinner that was somewhat appreciated, I decided to begin cleaning my house with what I feel is the 2nd worst chore on Earth: changing my sons’ top bunks. As I always say, should I go to hell, my designated job will be to change the top bunk of each and every bunk bed….for the rest of eternity.

I moved on to the bathrooms and began to run through what my worldly possessions I could pawn to get my man maid back for the summer. As a reminder, I am the only female in the house and my incontinent chihuahua doesn’t count. As I pulled the trash can out that was sandwiched between the toilet and the shower, I threw up in my mouth as I discovered a piece of used floss sticking to the wall.

I moved on to the next bathroom, frequented by 2 boys, again having the same reaction as I flipped up the toilet seat to find what looked to be a glob….a glob I tell you, of piss! It was as if someone had put a dollop of vasoline on the edge of the toilet rim and pissed on it. Almost the same concept as a flavored snow cone. No?

After 30 minutes I was done. But not so fast….

“Mom, mom….after you finish cleaning the bathrooms can you come outside with me so I can ride my bike?” My 7 year old, C, asked.

‘Sure sweetie, I was going to sit down for the first time since coming home from work but hell, what’s another activity that will result in tears?’

I said yes with the same excitement Honey Boo Boo would have if someone opened up a chicken nugget buffet.

I took my seat on the porch and C began to ride his bike up and down the street. Then, I saw them coming. I spied with my little eye 2 women and a child whom I’ve never seen before coming my way.

‘What the fuck is that?’ I thought as they got closer and I could make out their ensemble.

The 2 women were color coordinated in peach along with a little boy in pajamas. The older woman looked as if she just quit a brothel. She was wearing a bathing suit with some sort of peach cover up that purposely fell off her shoulder to expose a massive tattoo. She was overly baked by tanning beds and her hair in a banana clip or something. She held the hand of the little boy and held what looked to be a syringe? A pipe? I have no idea.

The second woman could have been a girl. If that were my mom and I had to pick her up during the week at the local honky tonk, I too would be frowning with a less than confident walk.

Two minutes after passing my home, they were coming my way again. I immediately got my phone ready to take a picture and TA-DAH!!!!

I mean, I see people I don’t recognize sometimes but these 2 stuck out like a sore thumb.

So see that shiny red Lincoln in the pic? 5 minutes after Tangueria and Lolita were out of sight I was startled by a crashing sound.

I look over to find C had just run into our neighbor’s car. While I felt bad for him, this was to be expected as pretty much every activity outdoor activity ends in tears.

I ran over to him as he pulled his shirt up to show a massive red scrape on his rib cage. I got him an ice pack, checked the Lincoln to see if he scratched it (he didn’t thank God) and put his bike away.

So yeah, that was my Tuesday evening. All neatly packaged and delivered to you. How has your Tuesday been? Or your week so far?