My Adult Meltdown On Paper

Guys, I’ve been off the charts busy….like get 4 to 5 hours of sleep busy this week so it’s so refreshing now that I can get back to one of my most favorite things-blogging.

I have decided to write down everything that was going through my head this evening. See, my oldest,P, has a soccer tournament about 70 miles away tomorrow at the super awesome time of 8 am. Oh and you have to get there by 7:30 am. Trying to get 2 kids fed and clothed by 6 am would be about as enjoyable as having a root canal and a pap smear simultaneously. No thank you.

So my family left around noon and headed to the hotel. I had to wait till 5, after work, to leave and I wanted to pull my God damn hair out. Thus begins my rants as I attempted to get out of the city.

Side note, my city is one of the top 20 in the United States. I am not giving it an excuse I am just giving you a frame of reference.

I text the following to my husband:

“Of coarse traffic is on par with the traffic seen when coastal residences are evacuating for a hurricane.”

20 minutes later…..

“ODOT (that is our state traffic) needs to be fired! The traffic set up that they’ve got going on here in ridiculous. It is a nightmare. Clearly this is a problem for the entire city as I’m going west and going 10 miles per hour. I want to pull my hair out right now.

After getting out of the city limits traffic sped up, thank the baby Jesus.

Finally we hit the hotel. Now, last time we had a tournament we were put up at a complete shit hole…let me say it again….SHIT HOLE! Don’t believe me? Here is the posting: Hot Mess Hampton Inn. Usually I’m not a Marriott person as I love boutique hotels and Ian Schrager hotels but given it was Dayton, Ohio, obviously we had to compromise.

The hotel was new overall and somehow I scored a 2 bedroom suite…I shit you not. The room was thoughtfully laid out too. In the living room there was an ottoman but atop the ottoman was a tray that could be used for your laptop or your dinner. There were ample outlets and most importantly, there was a wine opener. There really is a God.

We decided to head down to the lobby. As our tween children roamed the halls completely unsupervised (your welcomed ‘Merica) we drank beer and horrible wine picked up from the gas station. Yellow Tail Cabernet Savignon 2015 anyone? Envision me placing a bottle of Yellow Tale over my kid glove forearm, speaking in my most snootiest tone. God this wine is disgusting.

As we became drunker, my friend Bugs and I decided we needed to communicate more with the staff…giving them words of wisdom. When the 25 year old, pregnant woman took over for the night shift, she should have quit right there.

Bugs has had 2 boys. I have had 2 boys. Below is the following advice we gave a complete stranger that was due TODAY:

Me: Look….don’t be a hero here……take the epidural. My kids are in the advanced programs so it’s not like it made them dumb or anything.

Bugs: If you want to wait it out, wait it out.

Me: I stopped breast feeding when I felt teeth. Teeth are a deal breaker. Not going to be one of those weirdos that breast feed while my sons are taking their driving tests.

Look, although your boobs get to be humongous, breast feeding still sucks. You know what you need? Red cabbage. Seriously, put that in your bra when your able to keep a steady pace.

Bugs was team breast feeding. I was more team breast feetditng very early yet keep an eye on in stock items.

So I won’t go into detail because I am more exhausted then I’ve been in months. I cannot WAIT to lay in a queen size bed with my husband (normally a king)  who is snoring louder than a nuclear bomb to grab some sleep eye. Google night!

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