My Job In Hell? Changing The Top Bunk Of Every Bunk Bed

bunk bed

My 6 yr old son wet his bed last night. But he didn’t just wet his bed, he wet his bunk bed. For anyone who hasn’t had the honor of changing a bunk bed, know this: If I go to hell, my assigned job will be to change the top bunk of each and every inhabitant of hell.

Steps To Applying a Fitted Sheet to a Bunk Bed

Step 1: In an attempt to change the bed from the floor, stand at the foot of the bunk and pull up and back on the sheet. Like a woman in an abusive relationship, you somehow think it’ll work this time, but doesn’t.

Step 2: Swear.

Step 3: Climb the ladder and take off the fitted sheet. Throw the sheets on the floor in complete anger questioning why the hell you would buy a bunk bed anyway then remember the bedroom is only 12 x 5.

Step 4: Once all the dirty linens are removed, take the new fitted sheet and gingerly wrap it around the top, left corner of the mattress then the right. Cringe as you see these new corners slowly inching their way up while attempting to repeat the action on the 3rd corner. It’s like the sheet is taunting you.

Step 5: Put the fitted sheet on the 4th corner. But how? You’re sitting on it. I’ll tell you how, you “donkey it”. What I mean by “donkey it” is you literally kick your feet in the air (like you just don’t care) while swiftly attempting to wrap the final corner around the bed before your legs and feet come back down onto the mattress. It’s a moment you want NO ONE to see. This method is successful 66% of the time. The other times involve you ruining your cuticles as you squeeze your hands between the slats and the mattress, trying to tuck it all in. Frankly, Ru Paul has it easier.

The Mattress

C’s mattress is, um, sorry, I’m trying to find a word to describe it. We weren’t responsible parents and put a mattress pad on it 10 years ago. If I were to describe the mattress to you, I would say it looks like a mattress you would find in any well-appointed crack house. Piss stains are all over it along with blood stains from bloody noses when the air was dry. I would say the only thing the mattress is missing is a junky, rolling off, onto the floor.

I’ve decided to treat the peeing in the bed like the factory that notes x amount of days without an injury. C just set the clocks back another 6 months. I told him I’ll buy him a new mattress after he can go 6 months accident free. He looked a tad discouraged about this news but quickly returned to questioning why our elf on the shelf has yet to make his debut. Don’t get me started about the elf…..

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