My 6 yr old son wet his bed last night. But he didn’t just wet his bed, he wet his bunk bed. For anyone who hasn’t had the honor of changing a bunk bed, know this: If I go to hell, my assigned job will be to change the top bunk of each and every inhabitant of hell.
Steps To Applying a Fitted Sheet to a Bunk Bed
Step 1: In an attempt to change the bed from the floor, stand at the foot of the bunk and pull up and back on the sheet. Like a woman in an abusive relationship, you somehow think it’ll work this time, but doesn’t.
Step 2: Swear.
Step 3: Climb the ladder and take off the fitted sheet. Throw the sheets on the floor in complete anger questioning why the hell you would buy a bunk bed anyway then remember the bedroom is only 12 x 5.
Step 4: Once all the dirty linens are removed, take the new fitted sheet and gingerly wrap it around the top, left corner of the mattress then the right. Cringe as you see these new corners slowly inching their way up while attempting to repeat the action on the 3rd corner. It’s like the sheet is taunting you.
Step 5: Put the fitted sheet on the 4th corner. But how? You’re sitting on it. I’ll tell you how, you “donkey it”. What I mean by “donkey it” is you literally kick your feet in the air (like you just don’t care) while swiftly attempting to wrap the final corner around the bed before your legs and feet come back down onto the mattress. It’s a moment you want NO ONE to see. This method is successful 66% of the time. The other times involve you ruining your cuticles as you squeeze your hands between the slats and the mattress, trying to tuck it all in. Frankly, Ru Paul has it easier.
The Mattress
C’s mattress is, um, sorry, I’m trying to find a word to describe it. We weren’t responsible parents and put a mattress pad on it 10 years ago. If I were to describe the mattress to you, I would say it looks like a mattress you would find in any well-appointed crack house. Piss stains are all over it along with blood stains from bloody noses when the air was dry. I would say the only thing the mattress is missing is a junky, rolling off, onto the floor.
I’ve decided to treat the peeing in the bed like the factory that notes x amount of days without an injury. C just set the clocks back another 6 months. I told him I’ll buy him a new mattress after he can go 6 months accident free. He looked a tad discouraged about this news but quickly returned to questioning why our elf on the shelf has yet to make his debut. Don’t get me started about the elf…..
IS it bad that I finally told my boys, I am not making your bed anymore, you must make it… and the 3 year old, well I usually find something to bride my kids with as long as they make his bunk bed…lol
Bribery is the foundation of motherhood. Excellent work lady!!! 🙂
I have been in bunk bed hell right there with you! At this point, I nearly always rope my husband and son into doing it. Because it’s torture.
I tried that. I’m not shitting you, my husband threw the sheets on the bed, turned around and said “I don’t know how to do this”and walked out.
I’m not sure how I got my husband to agree. I think the first time I asked him to do it was when I had hurt my back and I literally couldn’t do it! Since then, he usually does it… with my son.
I would have to throw sex into the negotiations.
Hahahahahaha “donkey it”… I’m laughing so hard.
I just had no other terminology. I just pictured a donkey kicking up. Ha!!
Rubber sheets, girl, rubber sheets.
http://www.amazon.com/Duro-Med-Waterproof-Flannel-Rubber-Protector/dp/B0009STNH4
I think this post can double as “birth control” … after reading this I’m not so sure I want kids … oh wait, I’m close to 50 and oh, yeah, I had that hysterectomy-thingy. But thanks for the sales pitch again!
Yeah, and making the top bunk bed is a biatch … I was in the military and know only how much fun it is. Of course, a pee-filled bed adds a whole new layer of fun! 🙂
You could work at a homeless shelter to get the same experience? No? Yeah, I am DONE having kids. Couldn’t handle anymore than 2 anyway. Military? What branch?
I have worked in the ER and seen numerous homeless people and being a nurse I’ve cleaned more uriney-poopy-vomitus beds than I can count!
Military — the Navy … you know N.A.V.Y. — “Never Volunteer Yourself Again”! No, no kidding I served my country with prides (gags). 🙂
Thank you for serving!
My daughter has a cool mid-century bunk bed that I restored for her. I love it, BUT I totally feel your pain about the top bunk. I’m only 5 feet tall, so imagine a person that short trying to get the sheets on. I literally have to get ON the top bunk. LOL.
I do too and I’m afraid I’m going to forget I’m up there, back up too far and fall down. I am counting down the days for when he wants to sell it and get a normal bed!
Preach sista! I effing hate bunk beds so we fucked ours out. Space is tight but bigger it. Breaking a nail or two – to the nearest hundred is one thing but nearly breaking a finger was the last straw.
Meanwhile I wish to god that I had shares in disposable bed liners because I have spent the guts of a year’s salary (probably… we’ll almost) buying the bloody things.
I did have a slightly different technique, though just as bad, folding the mattress corner back, frankly going to the gym would have been more enjoyable and I hate the gym.
I know. I’ve never once in my life ever looked forward to changing the top bunk. He never makes his bed and you know what? I don’t blame him. It’s the worst!
Have you tried getting taller?
Alternatively, make him do it; the training would go slow and the whole process might be more frustrating for you, but dealing with the cleanup himself might motivate him to listen to his body.
LOL! I would do anything to be taller! That post was from a few years ago and he hasn’t peed in his bed in over a year, thank God! We even bought him a new matress!