I avoid Wal-Mart at all costs. The minute I pull into the parking lot I mutter “God give me the strength” as I can literally feel my blood pressure rise. There’s a reason People Of Wal-Mart exists. I’ve actually contributed photos to this site thanks to my smart watch. Had I been caught, I would have been beaten up.
Unfortunately I had to go to Wal-Mart.
“So why did you go to Wal-Mart, Hot Mess?” You ask.
Truth is, there is no excuse dear reader. I could have tried harder by going across the street to Target and calling it a day. No, I needed the following: a hamper, Valentine cards for my sons’ classes and lastly a Starbuck Refresher that I can now find at only a handful of places. I’m addicted to Starbuck Refreshers. I am quite confident that like Coco-cola, they are going to find out there was a highly addictive substance in it. Until that time comes, I will indulge.
The One Consistent Factor of Every Wal-Mart
There is 1 consistent factor of every Wal-Mart. I don’t care if it’s the San Diego Wal-Mart, the Mc Allen, Texas Wal-Mart or a Wal-Mart in China. This consistent factor is the Wal-Mart baby.
The Walmart baby just adds that little special je ne sais quoi to an experience that is already on par with a root canal. I say Walmart baby but the child can be as old as 4 and has at least 1 of the following characteristics:
- A Kool-Aid mustache
- A green (it’s vital it’s green) snotty nose
- A shirt that hasn’t been washed since ALF was popular on television
- Optional shoes
- Optional pants-dirty shirt and diaper are fine on occasion
- An ear piercing scream that doesn’t stop because the care giver is oblivious to how this child is affecting everyone in a .25 mile radius
The funny thing about the scream is it’s almost like the baby is shopping for the exact same things as you thus following you around.
Express Check Out-20 items or less
This drives me insane ANYWHERE and it’s particularly bad at The Wal-Mart. First of all, you will end up at the 1 express lane that has a handwritten note that says “sorry, only accepts cash”. Are we Amish here? Second, I’m on board if you have 21 items, but don’t be the ass hole who is checking out with Thanksgiving supplies.
While standing in the express line yesterday I decided something important. Wal-Mart baby was directly behind me screaming yet I had a moment of clarity despite the shrill cries. I decided that if for some reason I become rich, I am going to get an extremely temporary job at Wal-Mart as a Cashier so I can do what I wish all the cashiers would do. Ask people to recount their basket and if it’s filled with too many Duck Dynasty posters or Mt. Dew; to kindly go to the line for 21+ items. Because I’m rich and don’t need the job in this scenario, I can get just as mouthy with them as they get with me.
Ahhh, one can dream. What is your experience at Wal-Mart? Do you have any pictures? Have you given your Wal-Mart baby a name? I haven’t but I should. Hmmm……it really needs to evoke the essence of Wal-Mart.
Hahaha! This is great… and ridiculously accurate! I can feel myself shudder when I pull into the Walmart parking lot. I usually avoid it like the plague, but once in a while… ugh. Yes, the baby! Always!! Especially the screaming. I’ve never been brave enough to snap any photos, though. 🙂
Target is my friend.
I can’t explain it. Most of us hate the place yet we find ourselves there (or at least me) once a month. What is wrong with us? Is this the price we pay for a deal? Then as you walk through the main aisles your overstimulated (in addition to Walmart baby right around the corner) because they have those stupid tvs in the grocery section advertising products that are obnoxiously loud. Gwah! My blood pressure is going up just thinking about it.
It’s always something only stupid Walmart carries… so we suck it up no matter how much of a nightmare it is! Sometimes I just go to Target because I feel like it… but Walmart? No way!!
No, you nailed it. They have something stupid we need and we are forced to go. Admittingly every year I get my sons’ valentines there b/c not only are they cheap but they are unique unlike other places. This year’s valentine transforms into a sports field then part of the valentine folds up into a ball and they throw the little ball.
That’s adorable! And it reminds me that I need to get some for my daughter. Crap! I’m such a slacker! 😀
I’m with you, girl! Although I can handle the babies better than the smelly adults, who for whatever reason have become so used to their stench they’ve decided they “don’t need to bathe.” I’ve dry heaved a couple times behind the stinky middle aged man with a thin, brown film covering his clothes. Eww. Online shopping…that’s where it’s at. Great post!
Look, I get we shouldn’t have to dress up to go grocery shopping but what you stated above is unacceptable. Perhaps we should stage a protest? I will let you know if I decide to protest my local Walmart. You can stage a protest in your city. I don’t know what we are protesting: smelly people, Walmart baby, the decline of society or all of it. Let’s brain storm here.
I think my favorite part of Walmart is the person that tries ramming you with their buggy over and over again thinking you will back up. When in fact there is a whole other half of an aisle they could utilize. You definitely hit the nail on the head with this post.
Mzkaylea, this is new to me and may not have made it to the Midwest yet (unless you too live in the Midwest; then I clearly live under a rock). Are you saying, like bumper cars, people hit your cart just to get around? Depending on how “hard” they look, I usually tailor my “excuse me” to go around them. If they look like they are going to mug me later in the parking lot, I simply leave the aisle and go up another aisle to get to the other side of the last aisle the potential altercation would have taken place.
LMAO. You contributed to some of those photos? Umm, I try to avoid most Wal-marts because I definitely get what you’re saying. I can’t take it. I get stressed the heck out by being there.
I did but normally it was for images of when a 600 woman wore sweats that read JUICY on her ass. I keep trying to get an image of the Wal-Mart employee who wears a kilt to work but haven’t gotten the right angle without looking like an ass hole.
We don’t have Wal-Mart here, I am thankful for small mercies, however do google “Overheard in Waitrose” for the opposite end of the scale, though equally ridiculous 🙂
I just googled it. OMG! Hilarious!!! Thank you for the suggestion! What is Waitrose?
It’s a very posh, upmarket supermarket chain. In Britain the epitome of middle class ness is shopping in John Lewis, Waitrose would then be where one gets ones weekly groceries
It sounds like an upscale Whole Foods. A place I CANNOT afford.
I can’t even aspire to affording since we don’t have it here in N Ireland. But that website is good for a giggle.
There is another blog on Facebook that you might like , Peter & Jane (and Mummy too). I think she is bloody hilarious
On it! Truly funny blogs and shows are hard to find so anytime someone has good recommendations it’s worth checking out! Thank you!
If you put Peter & Jane – Pink Sunshine Wine into Google it will take you to a classic or two
I just got on and read that post. OMG! It was soooooo funny! I absolutely loved it! Thank you for the recommendation!
tonight’s is brilliant too
Ohhh….checking it out!
I hate hate hate express checkouts. Bull.
It really is. Don’t bring your 50 items into “express checkout”. You know?!
Oh yes I do. Silly buggers.
The Walmart Baby (if you ask) will, no doubt, be named after a state (Dakota, Montana), pop star (Justin, Madonna) or even a cheese (Brie)
Oh my God, you are sooo right! That made me laugh out loud. I think when I was growing up, Walmart babies were named after precious stones: Sapphire, Diamond or Jewel. I’ve found these days, parents add the following on to any name, any name at all: for boys: -ayden and for girls: lye or lie. So I’m sure there is a kid out there that doesn’t stand a chance because their name is Dakotayden or Diamondlye. Classy.
I love the -ayden and -ylie observation! If I do a post about Krazy Kid Names, do you mind if I mention this? I would footnote/credit you, of course xo
You know if you DID win the lottery there is no way in hell you’d take a job at wallmart! You’d be paying someone else to go in for you, so you could save your blood pressure! Or, you’d just shop somewhere pricier!
You are so right. I’d have a personal shopper brave the Mad Maxx like surroundings of it for me!
What really gets my goat at Walmart these days (at least where I live) is that now they have 47 tills and 2 of them are opened. To top it all off, they have 5 clerks trying to direct you to the self checkout. I’m all about doing it myself, but there are times that I just want them to do their damn job so I give them the look that I really don’t want to go through self check……..usually one of them says they will do it for me, it’s my silent little victory against Walmart! At least I don’t have to smell the nasty B.O of Joe Handyman or listen to the kid screaming at mommy for a candy bar while she mindlessly scrolls through Facebook on her phone oblivious to the other 30 people who don’t know how to tune their baby out! Great post!
Thank you! Oh God, I couldn’t agree more. I think they use all the lanes once a year and that’s on Black Friday. Other than that, you’re right. They NEVER have the proper amount of lanes open. You’re also right about the self-checkout. That’s stressful in itself!