Star Wars


If I see one more product with Star Wars slapped across the package I am going to scream. I know as an American, what I just said borders on sacrilegious and I’m prepared to face the consequences. When you take a very well made movie (for the time) and bleed it dry with prequels, sequels and quarter quells, you can just picture a douchy, childless, early thirties something with a receding hair line in the board room screaming SELL, SELL, SELL. Suddenly your childhood memories are nothing more than a gimmick to promote mascara and sugar cookies.

So currently I can hear my oldest son in our front room playing Battlefront the new Star Wars X Box 1 game that I got his little brother for his birthday. Sadly he’s played it more than C. The graphics are amazing but essentially I paid for them to walk around and shoot people and be killed by BIGBURRITO1  or CRAZYLOCO. This causes both of them to flip out and whine.

“Uh! Why am I always getting killed?”

“Your just learning. You just have to practice,” I say.

“But they are so much better than me,” P whines. And the whining continues on and off for the next 10 minutes which eventually causes me to snap.

“Look, you wanna know why those other 39 people are better?”

He pauses his game, turns around to look at me and shakes his head.

“These nerds were in line at Best Buy on November 17th when it was available for purchase even though 18 copies were left for anyone who wanted to get a respectable amount of sleep. Between pizza delivery, classes or Wizard 101, they have been putting on their little head phones,” I make a gesture as if I’m putting on head phones but in a more patronizing way, “and playing this game for HOURS, often in the basement of their parent’s ranch.”

P looked perplexed.

I calmed my fury as it was with the Pillsbury R2D2 cookies and not this gullible child in front of me. I sighed.

“Look, all I’m saying is you’re not good and it’s for a good reason, you have a life.”

Star Wars on Sunday

Since my husband is turning 41 on Monday we are going to celebrate his birthday Sunday and go see Star Wars at Marcus Theaters. We’ve become super spoiled with the dream loungers. For anyone who doesn’t know what dream loungers are, they are basically fully reclining movie chairs. So, in lieu of getting to second base as a teen in the theaters, you now have the option of a bed.

I’m semi-excited to see this movie but for the first time I am going to post questions that came to my mind as a child while watching the first Star Wars movies:

  1. Where the fuck is Earth? As an 8-year-old watching the movie for the first time this really disturbed me. If Earth wasn’t around that means my family wasn’t either. I really couldn’t grasp that for a while. Well, honestly, where did Earth go?
  2. Why was Princess Leia in her late 30’s? Maybe she wasn’t and this was pre-collagen days but I always thought she was too old.
  3. Where was C-3PO’s husband? I just addressed the elephant in the room. Your welcome.
  4. How did the ewoks become so f-ing cute? I mean, their little flat faces paired with their little furry pudgy bodies? I had a plush ewok and it was my baby. When I moved on to Cabbage Patch Kids, I felt an immense amount of guilt but realized my ewok would understand this transition and eventually go back to its village.
  5. Wait, if Princess Leia and Luke are brother and sister, they can’t….kiss…..what?

So, I’ll be interested to see if this new round of Star Wars brings additional memories or questions. I hope the boys enjoy it. If it sucks, we will simply have a nice expensive nap for 2 hours.

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