How I Gave Birth Like a Rock Star

Rock Star

My son’s 7th birthday is officially today. Thank the baby Jesus he was a million times easier to get out then my first son. I am gonna be real here people; I am a total wimp when it comes to all things medical, especially “down South”.

When I became pregnant for my first son, I would like to think of it as a “surprise”. Inside I had no idea how logically, I would get a baby out of something the size of a penny..or maybe a nickle…I don’t know. I was scared beyond belief and wanted as little pain as possible. Below are 2 ways I manipulated the birthing system since I had given birth. I’m telling you this in case you are about to have a baby and are scared like I was.

B.C. (Before child-birth)

Armed with the knowledge of what it takes to birth a child, my second (and final) child came with a lot more experience and I was prepared to play that card for days.

“We want to break your water Mrs. Hot Mess” the nurse would say.

“No, I would like for you to break it after the epidural. I would also like the  nice man who performed my epidural from 3.5 years ago to do it.”

“Oh I’m sorry but he may have already left for his daughter’s volleyball game.”

“I’m sorry but I’m creating life here which falls a little higher than a volleyball game. I will, nay, you won’t make it if I do not have an epidural from this man so it would be in your best interest to track him down, stall his Camry and alert him that you have a situation.”

30 minutes later, I felt 0 pain as the doctor I had wanted was sticking a needle in my back.

A.C. (After child-birth)

“We would like to cathorize you now Mrs. Hot Mess,” the nurse would say.

“No, I have up to 3 hours to pee, I see no reason to even suggest this at this time;” I say as I roll back over onto my 100 thread count sheet to face a “chair” that is supposed to be a comfortable fold down chair. In reality, it’s from the same line of furniture found in all business traveler rooms of Red Roof Inn.

And, if anything, if they ask you if you want your new baby to sleep in your room at the hospital, JUST SAY NO. Again, JUST SAY NO! For the love of God, listen to me on this one. Children’s Services will not be called. Your child will not turn out like Marilyn Manson if they sleep in the nursery with 5 well-trained baby nurses overlooking their well-being. This will be the last, I repeat, last time you will have uninterrupted sleep for the next 18 years. I can count on both hands how many times I’ve slept past 9 in the past 10 years.

All I’m saying is this:  do not follow the pack when it comes to your body. There is A LOT of room for negotiation to allow you to be more comfortable during pregnancy.Just because Nurse Misery learned a technique at the vocational school doesn’t mean it’s practiced across the board (with the exception of washing hands with soap and water).

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