On more than one occasion I’ve declared that if I go to hell my assigned job will either be to change the top bunk of every bunk bed or putting together Ikea furniture for new recruits, for all of eternity.
I say the above jokingly, hoping to God I go to Heaven when death happens. I’m scared to death to die and want to live forever. Seeing that will never happen, I’ve been thinking about some questions I have that go beyond why is the sky blue. I don’t know what one-on-one time looks like with God. Perhaps it’s an annual performance review or perhaps it’s done via Skype; I don’t know. What I do know is I have some valid questions for the big guy and I trust he will carve out sometime between ensuring Kim Jong Un has a comfy place in hell and creating miracles.
Questions for God
- Why did you make these little ass holes?
There isn’t anything good about these things. This one has currently been stationed in my kitchen above my sink since 8 a.m. (it’s 6:30 p.m. as I type this) and all be damned if I’m going to kill it. I have about a 25% success rate in killing these things as they move so f’ing fast. The “scurrying” they do is on par with any low-budget horror movie where the ghoul type figure is scurrying up the wall and onto the ceiling. Freaks me out! Are these centipedes? What are these things? That question was for my readers, not for God. I’ll figure out what type of bug this is before I die.
2. Speaking of Kim Jong Un in my first paragraph, is he the anti-Christ? Did you make him look like an overgrown, gigantic baby because you have a sense of humor? That’s a good one G! He always looks like a baby, about to have a meltdown in the middle of a food court because you didn’t let him have a milkshake.
3. When are we going to stop growing hair on our legs, lady parts and arm pits? This would save A TON of time in the mornings as well as money since we wouldn’t need electrolysis anymore. Sure, I’m dead but I’m just looking out for my girls.
4. Why did you allow Ed Hardy clothing, blue tooths, PT Cruisers and the sitcom Whitney? I believe all of these set the human race back a bit.
5. Why does everything major happen on the right side of my body? Just to name a few: a lump in my breast (had to have a lumpectomy a few years ago), my horrendous foot cramps and bell’s palsy (well now that I think about it, I think it happened on my left side but caused by nerve damage on my right?? IDK, I’m not a doctor) and now some gargangeous lump on the lower back of my head I just felt last night. I’m making an appointment as soon as the doctor’s office opens up.
6. Why do farts have to smell and be so loud?
7. Why was the Elf on the Shelf invented? I thought you loved your mom. You didn’t see Mary running around the manger every night, up until your birthday, hiding that stupid elf.
“Maybe I’ll hide it under some hay? No, to obvious. Damn Martha….hiding her Elf at the bath house then creating a map on papyrus for her kids to find the elf. Whatever.”
8. Why can a zit form….on a wrinkle?
9. Why did you choose our vaginas for babies to come out of? I have this really great idea and want you to hear me out. Through natural selection or whatever it’s called, let women lay eggs; like birds! Then, we can sit on our baby/egg for 9 months. Not only will this resolve us squeezing a watermelon out of a needle’s eye (I’d like to think it’s this tight), but we will gain an extra 9 months of maternity leave and this time, it will be like taking a vacation.
So those are a few of my questions for God. Sorry there are only 9 but that’s all I’ve got right now. What do you want to ask God? I’d love to hear your responses in the comments.