Bedtime- Like Negotiating With Terrorists

bed time

For readers that don’t have kids but considering them, read this post and think very carefully if you want to skip sleep and alone time for the next 18 years. And going to the bathroom will never guarantee alone time. For readers with grown kids and you have the house to yourself: WHATEVER AND I HATE YOU!

My youngest is 8 and still needs tucked in. Let me just say, his days are numbered, very numbered. Getting him to bed is on par with the rituals of ancient Egypt, mummifying a king. Sometimes I find myself laying my head against the cold wall, slowly banging it while he completes stall tactic #353.

In the summertime, we don’t have a bedtime for my 2 sons which qualifies us for our insane card. In lieu of watching Orange is the New Black or Fear the Walking Dead we are watching shows with what I would deduce carries a Rotten Tomatoes score of 2%. Just tonight we watched a movie on Netflix. The plot? The teenage boy had a special talent, food spews from his hands. While living with his grandmother, she was able to teach him to spew the right foods at the right times. Yes, this was the plot. Kill me now.

It is down right painful to get an 8-year-old to bed. Jim Gaffigan said it best when he said it’s like the opposite of a hostage negotiation. You’ll give them anything they want if they’ll just stay inside their rooms.

There have been times I’ve told my sons, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you just GO TO BED!” Here are the many excuses I’ve been told or asked in an attempt to stall bedtime.

Bedtime Excuses

  • I need a snack
  • I need something to drink (yeah really? So do I!)
  • Mommy, feel this bump
  • I need to go to the bathroom
  • I have a growing pain
  • Mommy, feel my head
  • I need my chromebook
  • Will you please turn my fan on
  • I need my tablet
  • I need my headphones
  • Will you please turn on my lamp
  • Why do I have to go to bed? It’s only 9 PM!

I really don’t remember negotiating bedtime with my parents. I believe it went something like this:

“Go to bed.”

“No.”

Swift spank on the ass.

“Roger that. Good night.”

 

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